Monday, August 09, 2010

883 -Atta Girls and Low Self-Esteem

This was written quite a few years ago, but is still very true in my life today!!! Thoughts?

Yesterday the focus was much on King Neb. building the alter and how we too build alters. Beth Moore made the statement that anything we pretend not to be is a image we are building. I had to really sit on that one all day. I want to recognize the images that I am building, but could not do it in just a brief sitting with You. So I went about my day and tried to notice the images I was trying to be or not be and then if it was before a statement, I tried to correct it as I went. Soooo.... I also was pierced by this statement, "if we have gotten mileage at being "real", we can become a fake at being real." I need to think more about that one as well, I have always thought of myself as very "real".

Yesterday was my son's chapel - he got student of the month. I remember thinking after I had gotten there - ok am I trying to be something that I am not. Am i trying to be the perfect mother. Even if I was - just in the nick of time, Godly ordained and for reasons of humilty - Elleigh screams out and is mad because I will not allow her to mess with Nathan any longer. So check - the perfect mom would not have had a child do that or would have reacted a bit less panicked and frustrated as I. As we were sitting there and singing praise songs, I was asking myself if I was trying to be more spiritual than I actually was. I think I was ok there. But these were still not obvious times that I was noticing the image building....

So time passed and we were making our way up to Debbie's office. We were talking about our frustrating 8 year olds and she just asked me point blank - Leigh, do you ever scream at your kids? Here it was - the chance to be real and not build a perfect image - one that is far from the truth and one that doesn't truly represent me. What was I going to do? Was I going to tell her that I never screamed at my kids, was I going to tell her that maybe just once or twice, or was I going to tell her that yes, I too have had my moments when my anger boiled such that my voice was way louder than it should be and I am guilty of screaming/yelling/loud anger coming forth from my mouth??? It was as if the Lord stopped time and gave me the opportunity to come clean before a sister in Christ and HIM! "Yes, Debbie, I too have screamed at my kids and way more than I want to admit! I hate it and need to get a better hand on that!" I felt a Holy hug and a peaceful thank you - Thank you Leigh for being real to your friend and for not trying to be more than you are - you did not build an image here!! Praise You Lord - all because of Your piercing Word!! I love it. My need for significance by others must become nothing and I become all in Him!

So this morning we discussed the other side of the spectrum. The worship of low self-esteem. Those times that we are so caught up in humility and priding ourselves for not thinking of ourselves that all we do is think of ourselves... Oh the war is so ugly. I remember not being asked to speak for a conference at my own home church. I was so hurt and embittered. How could that happen on my own stomping grounds? After all I have done for this church? Are they really consulting the Lord? Aren't those statements so ugly and self-pitying!!! I took a good amount of my day, many of my days, thinking on that whole thing and becoming more and more self-absorbed. It was sin and Lord, I am so sorry as I have said many times! But something that You allowed to happen (I seem to forget that when it is not a positive thing) took me down such an terrible road of self-absorption and self-loathing.

As my devotion said this morning, I am to do nothing more than to bear fruit, "bear much fruit" as it says in John 15:8,16. All things happen for His glory and in my reaction the fruit I am to bear is to be healthy and pointing back to Him and nothing to do with me. I, all humans, can not stand our own worship or to be worshipped. I know I would never be able to stand it. Lord, help me to have my palms up-faced when receiving a compliment or pat on the back - anything that is for Your glory and honor, to give it right back to You! James 3:13 says that self-absorption, self ambition is full of disorder, lots of evil, and of the devil. I am to seek God and Him alone.


Melissa said...

Another great post, thank you Leigh!!!

bringhaitihome said...

Well said.. .really makes me think!

Dianne - Bunny Trails said...

That nasty old pride can hit us coming and going, can't it? When we're thinking we're all high and mighty or when we think we're humble and low. It's a tough one to battle.

Many years ago, God called me to step down from the women's ministry at my church - I was our women's ministry director's assistant and was involved in pretty much everything for the ladies. One night I was really sad because I realized that I'd have no more clout, I wasn't going to be somebody. But as I sat there in my pity party, thinking that I was going to be nothing, Jesus gently spoke to my heart and said, "I became nothing for you."

WHOA! That was all it took. It no longer mattered if anyone at that church knew me. So what if I had no clout. That was nothing but big, bad, ugly pride taking hold of my heart.

And I still have to be reminded of that at times. But I am so grateful that God is so loving and kind to give me those reminders.

Colleen said...

Thanks Leigh! I hopped over from Blog Frog to your lovely "pad". Thanks for the insights. I too want to live my life continually bearing fruit for the Glory of God!

Odie Langley said...

Very good Leigh, you really made me think this morning.