Monday, January 28, 2008

526 - I hear and You see

Dear Father, thank you for such a great weekend in Wisconsin - Platteville where they had received 52 inches of snow this winter. It was about 7 degrees there and just gorgeous. Rolling hills, big trees, farms, snow, and more snow. I really enjoyed my time there. I stayed with a new sweet friend named Jill. She has a beautiful family and wonderful momma. I even met one of her 4 younger brothers, Steven and his girlfriend Tessa. She has another brother, Dave, that has recently been diagnosed with an extremely rare form of soft tissue cancer. There are only a few cases in the US a year. Chemo does not work and so that are forced to try alternative medicine. I can not even begin to express the faith in Jill's family claiming his healing. Wow - they made me feel so wonderful, comfortable, and welcomed. It was great. I love staying people's homes.

Their goal was to have 120 ladies come to the conference and they had 140 register and 136 show up. That is just unheard of. I was so blessed to be there. It was their 5th year in a row and I am not sure I have ever seen something so organized and just perfectly planned out. Jen, the leader, was not even to be there having had a baby just a few days before. Still everything was unbelievable and nothing skipped a beat. You would have almost had to have been there to know what I am talking about. Thank you Lord for allowing me to be part of it!

I was pleased how my first session went, but then the second was rough. I don't feel like i was able to get out the message that had been brewing in my heart. It was difficult and now that i think back on it quite a battle. I am not sure if it was a spiritual battle, an unrehearsed battle, an insecurity battle, or what. But a battle was on. Of course He won, but not without a severe fight within my head.

You see - I want to be humble all the time. I want to have pure motives all the time. I want to think 'only for His glory' all the time. But it just doesn't happen for various reasons. Part is my personality and part is my flesh, ugly flesh. So I came home from this conference and was feeling quite down. If I can't do it with the "right" heart all the time then should i be out there at all. I voice this to my friend that is also in the ministry and she gave me such good advice and encouragement.

I hook, line, and sinkered the lie of Satan. #1 my heart will not ever be totally right and when I say "right"I really deep down am thinking perfect. I know that.............yet I am listening to satan tell me that I should give up if I can not be perfect in my heart. #2 then worse to all that - I begin to do the comparing game. If my heart were more right then I would have greater opportunities. If my heart were like his then I would seek Him more. If my heart were more like that person's then................. Or better yet - my heart must not be right because I am not doing........... So not only did I listen and buy the lie of needing to be perfect, but because I am not perfect I should just close up shop. I want my heart 'want to' to want (I meant to say that twice) more of Him and less of me....... more of the time. And I want to quit placing my value based on experiences He gives me or ministry opportunities. I am valuable because I am His, not because what He allows me to do!

Lord has given me so many wonderful friends and blessings in my life because of them. I wish everyone had the opportunity to have such a wise friend in your life as i do with Lisa. She left me with an email last night that sent me straight to the right place - my knees. I had a huge cry fest with the Lord - i just have to do that at times - it felt so good. I was so honest with Him about my inadequacies and imperfections. I told Him I was willing to stop all ministry if that was what He was calling me to do. I don't know the eternal significance He is having through me on this earth. I pray there is one. I do know He is using me and I don't want to be passed by for other things - but my heart......... I do know it is a good place to constantly be questioning your heart and motives and seeking humility, but this time I allowed it to go to satan's advantage. Lisa reminded me I was literally going through a persecution of the evil one. So last night as I got up from my knees I ended my prayers with God speak and show me - should this continue on?

So, I went to my computer this morning only to receive an email from Dori saying that God had very obviously given her a Word to give me. I am going to have to put her exact words as I can hardly type from the awesome awe i am in at this moment.

"God had me write down words for you "wisdom" and "speaking opportunities." Then He absolutely brought this scripture to mind, with no prompting from any devotional or anything -- JUST STRAIGHT FROM HIS HEART (HIS WORD) TO MY HEART TO YOU! LOVE IT WHEN HE DOES THAT!!
Anyway, here you go - Galatians 6:9
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." NIV
"So don't get tired of doing what is good. Don't get discouraged and give up, for we will reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time." NLT"

Ministry is hard. Not so much the going and doing of it, but it is the heart stuff that is so hard. I love to speak, i love to be in front of others, i love to be recognized, I love to know people, lot of people. I love all that part. And because I do, I battle constantly if i should continue on. Is it more about Him or me? Ministry is a internal battle for me. And one that He has called me to not become weary in and not to give up. Thank you Lord Jesus for giving me these 2 friends for such a time as this. You have used both of them in incredible ways within 12 hours. And it has eternal significance. Lord, I pray you bless them both immensely. Lord, thank you for Lisa listening to me and then taking the time to show me the truth. And thank you so much for Dori being so sensitive to your Spirit in what she needed to give to me. Wow - I am loved by You and I thank you for showing me that through my friends. Jesus in skin for me today. I hear You and I see You!!!! Thank you!!


Leah said...


I can soooo relate to what you described. I went through all those thoughts and emotions as I moved forward with launching The Point ministry. The Lord was very clear with me that HE is the one Who called me into this ministry and so it is incumbent upon HIM, not me but HIM, to make it work. My job is to stay humble, stay moldable, stay in a posture of listening and never, ever substitute my public ministry for my private devotion to and with Him.

A dear friend told me something that really spoke to me as I was agonizing over whether I might inadvertently allow my ministry to be more about ME than about HIM. She said something like as long as that is your concern there is little liklihood of you allowing that to happen. So, I must also stay vigilant about my motives and that all goes back to humility and staying close to Christ through daily Bible study and lots of conversation between He and I.

Hang in there, dear one. He's still working on us!!


Shonda said...

Wow Leigh, Thank you for being so candid and open. The Lord has me in Galatians 6 a lot lately. I've pondered some of the same things you are or did. I desire it be about HIM, not me.

I praise God that He has people around you to encourage you!! Dont give up!!

Blessings in Christ--

Fran said...

I just love you Leigh! Your honesty, your struggles, your passion, your desires. God is pleased with you sister. He is more than pleased with you.

I'm reading Ephesians right now and it is just speaking to me. to all of us. Go read and be blessed by Him.

Big hugs friend~

Natalie said...

It's amazing that God brought you to my blog just today. My struggle with worry about if it's all about me, if I have right motives, if i'm so totally insecure that I need the approval of others is deafening today. You and others have spoken to me today in ways that only God could have orchestrated. He truly does love us ! I thank Him for you.

Stephanie (Ocean Mommy) said...

Oh Leigh!!

I am so thanking the Father for Dori! What a wonderful gift HE gave you when He ordained that friendship!

Sounds like you had quite a weekend! I believe those women were filled up to overflowing at what God said through you.

Have a very blessed week!

CrownLaidDown said...

Amen to that Dori!

Oh precious one, I KNOW that God came and did a work this weekend. I know He did. And He used you for His glory. I will therefore give Him glory for the truth of His Word and the way He works through willing vessels, like you.
Love you! and am praying!

Nicki said...

Well, we know this are RIGHT where the Lord wants you, otherwise "he'd" be leaving you alone!!! The battle is on.....I can see it very clearly. I will be praying extra for ya!! Stand FIRM!!

How's the house coming? Do you have a move in date yet? Has your other house sold yet?

Leigh Gray said...

Leah - thanks for recounting the wise words of your friend - sounds like you have a "lisa" in your life as well.

Praise God for all of you!!

Let's stay on our knees and fce - God is moving!!

Leigh Gray said...

Shonda - thank you for the directionin scripture. I will get to that before I go to bed or certianly tomorrow since it will be a no computer day!!

Love you and awesome new picture - love it!!

Leigh Gray said...

Fran - youa re soooooooo dear to me. thank you for your awesome words - you certianly know your Spiritual gift right??? Encouragmenet!! Can't wait until August!!! We have got to get Teresa a ticket!!

Love, Leigh

Leigh Gray said...

Natalie - tell me more about your spekaing ministry. Have you checked out my website??

Talk soon! Leigh

Leigh Gray said...

Stephanie - great to hear from you. How is the hubby doing latley? Running anymore races any time soon? How about the hair - still like it?

Love to hear from yu my friend!

Leigh Gray said...

Holly - I was so far up and there was so much snow I just thought you had to be close - I am terrible at geography....... Thank you for your prayers!! Love, Leigh

Leigh Gray said...

Nicki - the house.........ugh!!

I told myself today that I was going to stop expecting a date or sticking to a time line. It is too disappointing and frustrating. Our house, the one we are lving in right now, has not sold nor had any lookers since the first people that looked at it - and they have decided to add on to their own house.

Yes, the heat has been turned up in many than one way. Thank you for your kind words and encouragment! love, Leigh