Pain Does Have an Answer

Oh Lord - I cannot say enough about the incredible-ness of this past weekend in Washington.  WOW!!  As i showed you on facebook, they thought of everything!  It was again a church of much vision and passion and followers of Christ with guts to try!  I don't see this kind of church everyday, but when I do it is like a taste of heaven.  It is almost one of those things that you have to be there to understand!  So next time, I will take you!!  

After serving at a church for a weekend I am always reminded of the hurting people.  I get the opportunity to speak and pray with all kinds of ladies that are going through things I cannot relate to, but can relay my Jesus to for hope and healing!  It is like I always carry the answer - we DO!!!  Jesus!  

In my devotion I came across a verse that offers so much encouragement and hope for anyone and everyone.  No matter if you are in the midst of a trial or just got out of one - another will be coming - this scripture will speak comfort in your heart!  

^13-14 I'm sure now I'll see God's goodness
      in the exuberant earth.
   Stay with God!
      Take heart. Don't quit.
   I'll say it again:
      Stay with God.   Psalm 27:13-14 (Message)

Another translation

^13 [a]I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the ^(A)goodness of the LORD
In the ^(B)land of the living.
^14 (C)Wait for the LORD;
Be ^(D)strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the LORD.  (same scripture but NASB)

There is an answer for your pain - Stay with God!!!  The writer here must have just gone through a pain or trial and this is their final word on it - Stay with God!  Wait on the Lord.  

"Land of the living" or "exuberant earth" simply mean the day we live in today. The earth as we know it.  Here and Now.  

This you must hold on to not matter what the trial is - You may have to look hard especially if your mind's eyes are clouded by depression or even frustration, but you will see the goodness of the Lord.  You may have to wait a bit longer if you are clouded for whatever reason, but take heart you will see His goodness!!  In the wait be strong and may your hope be encouraged knowing the visible goodness is coming!!!  Take heart!  

I don't know about yall - but I needed to hear that!!  Pain does have an answer - or there is an answer for the pain - wait on the Lord - you will see!  

Today after I lift weights with my trainer girl - killer woman that I love - my daughter Sarahjane and I will take off for St. Louis for her appointment with the pediatric endocrinologist!  I am excited for this meeting to find out more!  Yall please pray for clarity and definite answers.  Either way - I know we will see the goodness of the Lord on this earth - even today.  I will wait on the Lord and be strong and have a courage heart.  Even if it takes longer than I want - I will wait on the Lord!!!  Amen Jesus - I love you!  

Monday's glance at the week

Lord Jesus - you have given my family a very exciting and busy week ahead.  We have 3 baseball games this week alone.  That right there makes homework tough and all the other things that the girls want to do.  There are times it seems like Tucker's events rules the house.  But the girlies are good about supporting him.

On Wednesday Emmajoy will be in a talent show at her school.  She is singing the Carrie Underwood version of I'll Stand By You.  Yeah - that is what I thought too - cant you start with a tad bit easier song??  But actually she sings it pretty well.  She is feeling it!!  ha  (Mom, I will tape it and post it on here or Facebook.)  She also made student council this week.  Her daddy helped her write the speech and I helped with all the other crafty stuff!  I had so rather help with speech.  lol!

Sarahjane and Elleigh both have gymnastics and cheerleading this week as well.  We have to fit that in during the games.  I am thankful for my friend Nathalie that is so willing to help me out in a pinch!  There have been a lot of pinches since school has started!!

This weekend I'm traveling to Washington, In. to speak to a group.  I'm very excited.  It is a small group of 60-70 ladies, but that usually means a lot more fun and intimacy.  I will be speaking on "What Does God Require of Me" based on the scripture Micah 6:8.  One of my favorite messages.  It will be a weekend of having another stand in the gap for Clay and I.  He will be traveling home at the same time I am to be there.  It happens like that often, but we have some great sitters to help us out if need be!

Lots is going on with Speaking Thru Me Ministries.  This week I am fervently praying Ps 90:17 "May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us; establish the work of our hands - yes, establish the work of our hands."  There is a really cool opportunity on the horizon and I want to know if this is something STMM is to be part and ask for the favor of the Lord to be all over it!  We shall see!

Lots of feelings and thoughts.  But this i know to be true - I am serving the Lord.  I love the Lord.  He loves me.  He is my judge.  He is weeding out my schedule to refine my "business".  Lord, establish the work of my hands!

915 - R U ready?

Good morning - got a busy day and a busy week.  Definitely having ankle surgery on Dec. 8 and so I will not be walking like a real person for at least 6 weeks.  That means I must get some Christmas shopping done NOW!!!  But you know that really is OK - I like to get it all done and then relax!

Today Clay and I are heading over to Evansville.  He has a check up and I just thought I would tag along.  Makes me think of an older couple in retirement that goes too all their appointments together.  The future is so bright - i really do look forward to those days.

I spoke in Kenton, Tn. this weekend and had a blast.  I was able to take my 2 littlest with me.  They were wonderful.  We laughed and giggled so much!!  I love hanging out with them!  I want them to better understand what I do and feel more secure in knowing this is what God has called mommy to!

This event was not just bathed in prayer, it was smothered!!!  It was so wonderful!!  There was a group of young girls there as part of a signing team - INCREDIBLE!!!!  I loved having youth in the audience!!  But they were so awesome!!!  I hope to bring them to Illinois!!

This morning God reminded me of being ready!!  Acts 14:1 "...There they spoke so effectively that a great number of Jews and Gentiles believed!"  This past weekend I said something while i was speaking that was incorrect.  It was a terrible mistake and all was corrected, but it really "shook" me to the core!!!  One of the very reason I would walk away from speaking, even if it were disobedient, is the fear of portraying the Lord incorrectly or His Word in not a truthful manner!  It scares me greatly!!

I want and long to be an effective speaker!  I want to display the Word for the Truth and have His name made famous.  I want to bring glory to Him and speak in such a way that others are drawn to Him.  I want people to see Jesus working through me and His power made known!  I want to be ready and so effective that whether it is a planned engagement or a personal "street" encounter that He is made known!  PERIOD!!!

But to be ready and effective - you must prepare - I must prepare!!  And most of that preparing is on my knees through prayers!!!

God, thank you for your grace.  Thank you for the women that delivered grace and mercy to me that day when i spoke incorrectly!  Thank you for the one that showed my err.  Thank you for helping me and training me to be more effective!!!  Jesus, I want to do whatever and be available whenever!!!  Oh but Lord, help me to be effective in such a way that they BELIEVE!!!!!  I love you - amen!

900 - Nine Hundredth Post - Shouldn't I do something...

Hey yall - nothing real spiritual here, but I updated my calendar...  If you will go here you can see where I will be and how we can meet up!!!!  I love to meet up with people along the way!!!

So, any questions you have since it is my 900th post?  Whatever it is - I will answer....

If you ask a question and I can answer it I will put you in a drawing............. for what - not sure yet!!

Ask away and let me know when we can meet up!!

Much love, Leigh

www.speakingthrume.com - Plz go check it out!

Speaking Thru Me Ministries has a new look and information! Please go take a look and give me your thoughts. Especially go take a look at the part about the little girl from Africa that we are raising funds to bring over for surgery. Vanderbilt is doing the surgery for free, but we have to pay for all travel and all expenses while here! Oh please pray for us and give too.

Thank you in advance for your support.

www.speakingthrume.com

Love to you all - Leigh

816 - Side by Side

How do you view ministry? Event Planners and Women's Ministry Directors - here is a deeper look into Speaking Thru Me Ministries! Thanks - love, Leigh

813 - A Woman Inspired Online Conference

A Woman Inspired!!!!!!!! You need to sign up!! http://www.awomaninspiredconference.org

I will be speaking on Thursday and I want to "see" you there!!!

Here is the basic info. This is going to be an life changing online event and we don't want anyone to miss it!

March 15th-19th, 2010 - only one week left to register!

Register Today for 12.95!

This conference is all about giving you a spiritual dose of adrenaline because we all need it sometimes.

This event's speaker line-up is phenomena (Get Revived Speakers)l. These are some great women of God, humble enough to serve and strong enough to stand up and proclaim His word to all who are in need of hearing it. This conference is for any woman in need of revival in her spirit.

What you can expect for $12.95:

* Live sessions, entirely online, with some of the Christian community's most popular speakers and authors.

* Ability to download all of the MP3's from all the sessions, as well as handouts, chat logs, and presentations.

* Participation in real-time question and answer sessions with all of your favorite speakers.

* Lots of downloadable swag as well as entries to win some great prizes!

* Fellowship: make some new life-long friends and experience some fun and fellowship.

Visit A Woman Inspired at: http://awirevival09.ning.com/?xg_source=msg_mes_network

778 0 Nimcompooh-ness!!!

I don't have any idea what happened to my last video - it got cut off. Thank you for bringing it to my attention, but as usual i don't know how to fix it. ugh!!!!

Dear Lord, I am actually in the air right now – of course with my Internet turned off like the nice little flight attendant told me – flying to Corpus Christi, Texas. I looked on the map last night – like my oh so smart dad encourages me to often – to see where I was going. I had no idea I was going so far south. I don’t think I packed the right thing!! Oh well – good thing about traveling so much, most of the times the church and congregation is so forgiving of my clothing mishaps. There was even one time that I forgot all my clothes!!! I mean everything – ladies from the retreat pulled clothes from all different directions to hook me up with a pretty cute outfit. That was an act of God because there are not a lot of people that can wear my size – at least in the height department!

Lord Jesus, I am excited to deliver the message tonight. I have shared this message about living a vertical life in a horizontal world many times, but you have given me a totally new direction for tonight! I am excited to organize it all one more time before the evening!

God, you know how much I hate leaving my family – well sometimes – but especially in the middle of the night or wee morning hours – 4am! I like to kiss everyone right as I go out the door and was unable to do that this morning! I know they are in good hands though.

Father, thank you so much for this opportunity. I plan on taking some great pictures – ha ha, forgot my camera – but do have my phone. I love all the people I meet and seeing You work in incredible ways right before my eyes! There is nothing like it. I want to express Your love to them and help them to understand what a thriving relationship and one that is very active is all about. Oh Lord, help me to speak your words!! Help me to live what I speak!

God, in spite of me – in spite of my sin that you have forgiven and yet I run back to so often, in spite my fears, my pride, my inadequacies, my faithlessness, my lack of mercy, my nincompooh-ness!! God, you still love me!! And like Natalie reminded me last night as our Speaking Thru Me team prayed together, You actually adore me, are crazy about me!! God, seriously, I don’t get it, but I am eternally thankful!!!!!

Grow me Lord, Speak to me Father, Use me Jesus!! All for Your glory alone! I love u!

Day 2 - Minds Boggled!!

An Ecuador morning!

Golly gee - i was unaware that my eyes at times looked in 2 different directions. My goodness - i gots to do sumpin 'bout that!! ha

723 - Rush into Evil

Yesterday in Paducah and then in Fairview Heights was awesome!!!  Incredible time and outpouring of the Spirit was breath taking!  Lord, will you do that again tonight in Norris City?

Lord, empty me of me and Fill me with You!!!  I need you greatly Lord - I am pooped!!

I love you Father - amen!    

710 - Hello new friends and GIVEAWAY!!!!

If you can not read this or don't have time to watch the video, all you have to do is to leave a comment of where you live, if you attend a church, and what your dream is - not necessarily something that God is telling you to do, but what you just dream of doing - anything!!!!

Do the above and I will put your name in for a free cute as pie purse. I will be gone all next week and so the comment section will be open until then! Leave a message as many times as you want - change your dream each time though!! Surely you have more than one dream! ha ha!

PS - It went fabulous!!! Kids were very attentive and responsive as well. I love the kids!! They are hard nosed and temperamental, but still souls that need so much love!

Thank you for praying!!!

662 - Donation Letter

Several years ago, Leigh Gray of Carmi, Illinois, a previous Proverbs 31 speaker, heard a call from the Lord to step out in obedience and develop a team of ladies who not only had a passion for sharing the Word of God, but also had a desire to make quality Christian speakers accessible and affordable for even the smallest of churches.

Despite the fact that she has spoken to audiences large and small, Leigh’s heart is bent toward small churches. Leigh knew that churches of all sizes are hungry for a fresh word from God, yet many speakers in the Christian arena require honorariums that are far beyond the budget of the majority of churches in America. In 2006, Leigh shared her passion and dream to make quality Christian speakers available to all churches, regardless of size and budget, with a former college friend, Ginger Moore of Goodlettsville, Tennessee. Leigh discovered that Ginger’s heart matched her own. Thus, Speaking Thru Me Ministries was born.

The sole purpose of Speaking Thru Me Ministries is to teach God’s Word. The entire STMM team has heart for seeing others know the grace and mercy that can only be found in Jesus Christ. A wide variety of speaking topics abound ranging from the many issues affecting teenagers in our world today to seeing ourselves as Christ views us to the trauma of post-partum depression and everything in between. The element that makes this team somewhat unique is that they are committed to offering this teaching to ALL churches without charging an honorarium.

More and more churches have contacted Speaking Thru Me Ministries because of economic struggles. These churches were being forced to cancel various events. They could no longer provide the "asking fee" associated with the Christian Speakers needed for their events. Because of the mission of Speaking Thru Me Ministries, these churches are still ministered to during these difficult times.

Two exciting things are on the horizon for STMM. First is a conference scheduled for Sept. 26, 2009 in Marion, Il. STMM will host Ergun Caner - President and Dean of Liberty Seminary (ww.erguncaner.com), Travis Cottrell – lead worship leader for Living Proof Ministries, and speaker Curtis Jones – son in law of Beth Moore and the only male speaker of her staff at LPM. This conference is for everyone. It is not a women’s event, not a man’s event, not even a marriage event. This is a conference for adults of all ages in every season of life. At this event, STMM speakers will not speak, but serve.



The second exciting adventure God has placed on STMM is to partner with Compassion International. Compassion International has asked us to promote individual sponsorship of impoverished children at our events. As we continue to work out the details, it is very possible that members of our team will take a mission trip on behalf of Compassion International. We look forward to working with this well known and established ministry.

Speaking Thru Me Ministries would like to request your assistance in providing ministry opportunities to small churches all across the United States. Your donations will allow Speaking Thru Me Ministries to advertise and promote our ministry, assist with churches who struggle to even pay speaker's travel, as well as support overseas mission travels for our current speakers. Of course, all of this is very expensive and will not be possible without tax deductable donations from those who believe in the importance of this ministry.

You will receive a letter of confirmation of your donation for tax purposes. STMM received 501 (c) 3 status this past July.

All of this goes without saying thank you to the many of you that have been so prayerfully supportive all these years. We appreciate your prayers, time and any generous donation!

If you have any questions or would like additional information, please contact Leigh Gray @ 618-383-4856. Send email inquiries to LeighGray@speakingthrume.com

Sincerely,

Leigh Gray
Ginger Moore

All check donations must be made out to Speaking Thru Me Ministries and sent to
Speaking Thru Me Ministries
312 3rd. St.
Carmi, Il. 62821

660 - Friday evening news...

http://www.carmitimes.com/news/x541370211/Leigh-Gray-has-new-book

630 - "Children" Ministry

Wow Lord, so many amazing things going on and I thank you. This morning I find myself in Mark 9:46-48. Disciples are arguing with one another about who is the greatest.

Can you imagine sitting around with a bunch of friends arguing about who was the greatest among the group? Wow, the words may never fall out of our mouths, but how so often the actions do from our "selves". And I would add that the speaker world or ministry world might be one of the worst places where false humility or camouflaged seeking of greatness may be. But I will say that you must have been there at one time or another to know what I am talking about... Yikes - there is a punch right to my own gut!

Lord, I think the vision you have given for me this morning is that the small child that the Lord said that his disciples "welcomes" is much like the small church that I have such a passion for. There is not much glamor, lights, frill, or accolades in ministering to the "child". In fact most the world says that you must not be accomplished if you are not traveling to big time places or filling auditoriums by the thousands. Even my own denomination will not consider you accomplished until you have published a book - and really that book must be through their own publishing company. That sinks!

But if you could look into my heart - and only my Lord and Savior can do that - you would see such a changed picture. From the days of sitting around and thinking about how I might be the greatest to now sitting around and thinking about my own community and how to make a difference there or finding a way that each of our speakers can make a difference in the area in which they live.

Lord, so many people say - not sure if it is with a prayerful heart or not - that IT is coming. I am not sure what they are talking about, but I think IT is here. Ministry right in my back yard. Clay and I discussing a new adventure possibly in our own church. I have been invited to speak down the road from my house. My tennis team is full of girls with great potential. One girl on my team told me she will be fasting for the next month in honor of a Muslim Holiday. (Her sister's fiance' played Nedal last night at the US Open - Deheart. How cool is that!!) The conference is moving forward and Clay and I have important meeting about in on Tuesday.

I think IT is here for my life. Not what I would have expected and certainly not what I would have wanted maybe 2 or 3 years ago. But when you open your life up to Him and say change my heart - HE will and is doing it still!! He does it beautifully, but not always painlessly - actually rarely painlessly!! But my heart is fresh and it is new. He is renewing my day by day and on His time table. I am tender! He is ever more so! I love you Father!

621 - Sarahjane and Ministry Button

Good morning - I feel like i just got started back to blogging and have to take another break. I won't be back until the first real day of school - Monday!! Tomorrow we leave to go to Cincinnati Children's Hospital to take my Sarahjane there for her first visit. I am very..........excited............that does not seem like the right word. But i am ready to get the final diagnosis and move forward. I am ready to know this Goliath we are fighting and get my sling shot all stretched out and ready to aim and fire this giant out of the park! But wait..... Could it have already been done, I mean the fighting and victory already been done through the prayers of so many of you and friends??? I am believing!

Early into this battle her medicine started hurting her stomach - very common. I stopped the medicine and she did great for about 3 days. Then all the pain came back, back to limping, and not a good thing. We started the medicine again, but took it differently. Stomach trouble got better, but still not good enough.

So more and more stomach aches and so I stopped the medicine again. One of her doctors told me to get some other over the counter stuff to take with everything and I just kind of froze up. I was/am just praying so hard that she doesn't have to be on so many medication. Well, we stopped the meds again and she has not had to be back on them at all - no medicine for almost 3 weeks! maybe more... No complaints of leg hurting, no stomach, no nothing - well maybe her head from time to time. (If you knew how active this kid was you would have a headache too. ha)

So we press on. This is why I use the word "excited". I am excited to see what may have already happened. Either way God is good, merciful, and we will praise Him!

____________________________________________________________________

We finally have a website button for everyone to put on their blog - PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!! - that would direct others to our ministry, Speaking Thru Me Ministries. We would so appreciate it!! And the directions are below. Thank you to Charnita for designing it and helping us put it on our own blogs... http://www.charnitasexpressions.blogspot.com/

Save the image to your computer- my pictures
Go to your dashboard.
Then to layout.
Add gadget.
Add picture
go to add picture from computer
browse...
locate picture-
upload and for
No title or caption
for LINK put http://www.speakingthrume.com/
checkmark resize to fit.
Save.

Thank you thank you thank you!!! We praise Him!!

617 - Be Engaged - Think Bigger!

What is God asking you to do right now? I don't mean if God has ever asked you to do something, I mean right now He is asking something of you - Are you listening? God always wants to engage us in things that He is involved in. Are you willing to respond and think big?

The line of questioning above reminds me of the time Jesus asked the disciples to feed the 5000. On this occasion Jesus and his guys had been ministering all day and were ready to retreat. They asked Jesus to make the crowd go away. Jesus replied with an odd statement and probably very frustrating to the the disciples, "You give them something to eat." Jesus was not solving the problem, but giving the disciples even more to do. He was engaging them - big time!

Coming from Charlotte, NC we had every conference under the sun not only come to the city, but most of the conferences came to my big church. It was not uncommon at all for me to go to each and every event - I LOVED it. I would always come home with so much excitement and energy. But it was one of those things that unless you are there it was too difficult to explain. No matter how dramatic I got with Clay he just didn't feel it the way I did at that time. Bummer!

It was not long after moving to Southern Illinois that I began to thirst and starve for that kind of ministering again. And then the Lord asked something of me. I was at a Mark Schultz concert down in Marion and as I stood up to look around the Lord whispered in my heart, "Bring it here - men and women alike." Over time He revealed not just a music concert, but speakers and worship for both the man and woman at the same time. Not a marriage conference at all, but a worship/ministering conference for both of all ages. Something for the area of Southern Illinois that doesn't make us drive to St. Louis, Indy, Chicago, or Louisville. The impulse girl that I am said, "Sure thing Lord, I would love to do that." Then the fear began to set in.

As the disciples began to pass out all they had, 5 loaves and 2 fishes, I am sure the fear began to set in. "What happens when we get to the sixth person? What happens when I can not feed a baby? What happens when i run out? What if more people come up?" I think there was fear there as well even though they had seen Jesus work all the miracles not only that day, but throughout His ministry.

In verse 16 of Luke 9 Jesus gave thanks and then gave the food to the disciples to let them be engaged in the miracle happening. Jesus could have multiplied the food immediately, but instead He gave the food to them to see and feel with their own eyes and hands all He was doing. It was if He was saying, "Come on guys, take part, be engaged, think bigger, and trust Me." After feeding everyone I believe it to be no coincidence that there was 12 baskets leftover for each of the disciple. When we give of everything, even a heart lacking in faith, He still faithfully provides filling us in unimaginable ways!

Speaking Thru Me Ministries has just been granted 501(c) tax exempt status. That means that we are able to take donations and give the donor a tax benefit. Yeah!! But having said that we have little to nothing in the pot to speak of. If you remember correctly our speakers take no kind of speaking fee. I would say we have even less than 5 loaves and 2 fish. Nevertheless God has given me this story today to encourage me that He will provide in abundance.

September 2009 I have rented the Marion Civic Center for a conference for men and women. I have already booked Curtis Jones, Beth Moore's son in law, to speak. I am working on the worship leader and a few more speakers. Priscilla Shirer has already gracefully declined. So i continue to reach my hand in the basket to pull out more and more loaves and fishes. Every time I begin to panic - will anyone show up - how will i ever pay for all this - what if my speakers cancel at the last minute - how is this different than anything else - I reach my hand once again in the basket and He provides...scripture, cards from friends, emails from family, holy nudges!!

So, what is it for you today? What is He calling for in your life to be engaged and think bigger? Can you hear Him today? Have you taken the time to sit before Him today? Listen to the voice of the Savior! Keep digging for more loaves and fish!! It is there!!! He is there!

609 - Contradictions

I have been blogging for a long time now. Many have been doing the thing longer than I have, but I have been at it long enough to see many come and go. I think the most interesting thing is to see the change.

Change in color scheme.

Change in music or no music.

Change in audience - was for just family and then went to world.

Change in purpose - was to inform, then to engage, and now to do whatever else.

I feel like I have seen it all - even many changes on my own personal blog as well.

I have visited many blogs in the early days for certain reasons - great scripture insight, great personal introspection, great recipes, great Bible study thoughts, great pictures, great friend.

One thing I have found to be true and not to change is that which I do not have time for AND more than anything the Lord put an end to last summer - the more blogs you read and comment on, the more read your blog and comment too. Because of that reason alone I have to question many, many times my reason for blogging and also wonder about others as well.

We are getting more and more a world of no communication. I mean we communicate like the dickens with email, texting, websites, webnotes, and yes, blogs, but do we really talk anymore, let alone the face to face kind of meetings? I received a hand written note the other day from my Carmi friend Jill encouraging me about the situation with my daughter. It was almost foreign to me. I still have it - it had been a while since i had gotten a real note. And a friend from Nashville, Tammy, called 2 times and left messages wanting to talk, but not through email was her request. I need to call her back so bad, but have forgotten most days because it was not on my email........ugh!!! I hate that!

I have to turn the fingers and take a look at moi! When was the last time I sent a personal note? When was the last time I just called a friend out of the blue to talk? When was the last time I just showed up at the neighbors to just say hello? There is a young kid that walks around our neighborhood that will just stop by when we are on the porch and talk for a long time. He is in the 6th grade and understands good communication - already... While this is going on my son could be on the computer inside learning better and better how not to communicate. ugh!!

I am not convinced that blogging is the best thing in the world - email, texting, all of that. I think it is forcing us to be alienated and lonely when we actually think we are gaining friends - or at least lots of comments that can feel like friends. I remember going to Deeper Still last summer and meeting people by their blog name and not their real name. "Hi, I am Leigh - yeah, Speaking Thru Me" "Wow, Leigh, I had no idea you were so tall. And your hair, I thought it was red." Ha ha - I guess I need to put my height and weight on my blog profile. I know my height will not change, but my weight - ugh!

There is no reason or purpose to my blog post today, just some thoughts. It is raining cats and dogs here today and all swimming and golfing and baseball and tennis has been cancelled. So i have just found myself sitting on the veranda watching a few cars go by, listening to the kids on the inside scream and run playing hide and seek, maybe waiting for a real person to talk to... come by. I don't know. I need to run to the store and send a new sweet friend some flowers...only i don't know where she lives and the phone book just says Carmi. Hmm - maybe the shop has had that dilemma before. I guess I could email her for her address - that would be too easy.

Maybe today it is the contradictions in life that got me to settle down and just sit...

To shut down or turn off my computer I must hit Start - kind of things.

Why does it seem the bad guys win? Of course we all know the answer, but it is pondering"ish".

Why does spilling your thoughts out to the WWW get so lonely?

Why do the blogs that have not much at all to do with our Lord get the most visits?

Why do we equate number of comments with number of friends or at least love - and to some money?

Why is just living simply and being God's buddy leave you so empty and frustrated?

Why does getting hundreds of emails a day leave one so frustratedly elated?

Did God mean for Christianity and Ministry to be so business like?

Why would one need a "marketer" to promote the greatest, most printed, most powerful, most sold message of all time?

Why would God bless someone with a "Friday" car?

Why would God make anyone to help others get more and more money for His message?

Did Jesus have advertising?

Did Jesus have publicity?

Did Jesus mean for big ministry to be so lonely for those giants of the faith?

Ok - so did Paul have advertising, publicity, marketing, all of that?

Man - maybe I should have never read the book the Barbaric Way. It has just about changed every thought i have had about ministry and ministering!

The Truth I hold on to - "And we know that in all things God works for the good"(Romans 8:28). I can not get away from that - no one can. Even when the motivations are all wrong - even when the purpose is all wrong - even when the "going about it" is all wrong - even when my heart is so filthy and nasty and filled with pride and self-love and impatience and doubt - HE will work for the good - well, for those that love Him and are called according to His purpose. Hmm!!!

The very last thought or contradiction that I see or am thinking is................because He works for the good in all things that is the very reason why so many things, events, those in ministry, etc. with bad motivations, etc. keep going - because they too know that God will work for the good in all things even when they are Bad - why - HE is so good!!! And that is one contradiction I can not get past or......................contradict!!! My God is so good!

God has been so incredibly kind to me and of course so graciously good. He took me out of everything that might bring someone else and still many closer and closer to Him - a real contradiction come to life. My big mega church, tons of stay at home friends, and opportunity. Those are all things that bring many people closer to Him day by day. But like God... that was a contradiction in my life. Those were crutches that did not allow me to depend on Him. All of those are taken away to bring me close to Him - intimately... I feel His breath... I sense His presence... I long for Him. His ministering to me is indescribable, but something I will never leave!

602 - What Are You Looking For?

Lord Jesus, yesterday was one of those days. I got beat with every kind of disappointment known to man. Lots and lots of no's and "are you crazy, I am totally not feeling you" kind of statements. Why it was chosen for them to all come on one day is beyond me. Nevertheless I caved to the disappointment and succumbed to many tears. Just the girl I am. Let me just say I know for a fact that God speaks to me each day through all kinds of ways. Obviously my quiet time is one huge way He shares a few things. OK - so why did I walk away from my quiet time yesterday about how sneaky and deceptive Satan is and not remember it at all? Boy, yesterday was a day that I needed to remember and be aware. And the funny or interesting thing about it all yesterday was that the defeated one was not even deceptive - he was obviously and hurling the darts as if yelling, "here comes another one, what 'cha going to do?"

First, Lord, thank you for the Word you have given me today. My devotional took me to Luke 7: 1-10 where the master of a centurion sent for Jesus to heal his guy. His message sent to Jesus was that he would not even come himself because of how unworthy he was to be in the presence of Jesus. But he went on to say in his message, "If you will just speak the word, i know he will be healed." Jesus was amazed, shocked, pleased, elated at this man's faith and told the followers that He had not seen a faith like this in all of Israel. Returning to the house the servant or messenger found the centurion well.

That could not be a better word for me right now. Faith, I have been so faithless lately. Yesterday my day was filled with doubt. What am i doing in ministry? Am i suppose to carry on? Does He want me to continue on in ministry? If so, is it suppose to be with a team? What about the future of serving and speaking? Maybe I should just go back to school and be a teacher. I don't have what it takes or want to do what it takes to "make it" in speaking so maybe I should just hang up the phone now... Maybe I should not speak such things right here on the blog, but i have not ever held back much in the past why start now. I have to keep it real. I don't have to be so revealing of the specifics - that only honors Satan at times - but just to let Him know that my heart broke yesterday, but He is faithful and He sent many angels to my side. He always comes through!

I sent a few emails to some gals asking for their prayers and God spoke through each one of them. I was overwhelmed with what He did for me. I even saw my friend Courtney in the Wal-mart lot and wanted to crawl into her car and vent.........i had all the kids with me and it just wasn't the time. But i know God too sent her by to give me some cheer for that moment!! One particular call was almost surreal. Lisa called to talk about some other stuff and then just said, so how are you doing today. Oh goodness - the floodgate open up. I explained and then she spoke - or actually You Father spoke through her - thank you thank you!! She reminded me of how the Israelites hearts got hard. I know Lisa was not comparing me to the Israelites, she was actually saying some other stuff, but that is where He stopped my ears and convicted my heart. Ever so gently He reminded me that I have gotten a bit hard over the past few years. Yes, willing to walk the path He has placed before me, but through much disappointment and waiting have hardened my heart. "Will not do the things it takes to be a successful speaker" - what is that, what right do I have to say those kinds of things............ Lord, I know you are teaching me that I am in ministry and have no choice. He has called me and when He says go, I must go. It has nothing to do with what I do along the path. He calls, I go!

Then 2 or 3 other friends immediately emailed reminding me that I was believing a lie. "What has happened to allow Satan to get you to believe these things". And another said, "Do you not know where this is coming from?" All things I know and was having a tough time getting past yesterday... ugh!!! What a day.

I just don't quite understand all that I am to be learning right now and all that I am to be doing in the wait. I don't understand the "calls" not coming in to speak or anything. I so badly want to be used and I so badly want to do what He has called me to do, but this wait is rough!! And wise Lisa in my life said, "this is a sabbatical, not a future." Man, that spoke healing to me. Isn't funny that we can all be so sure of one's future, but when comes to self it can be so hard to know tomorrow.

I think that is why the Lord spoke to me through Luke 7 :1-10 today. Faith - it is hard to have much faith if a heart is hard... Oh Lord, thank you!! As i dropped to my knees yesterday it was so cleansing to confess my doubt, my fears, my inadequacies, my lack of faith, and just the plain old yuck that i allow my brain to encounter. Lisa also reminded me to think it of a privilege to be able to be with just God in this wait. He ordained it special for it to be just me and Him. Now that is a thought!!

Lord, increase my faith. Help me to believe. Help me to know You. Help me to not think about myself, but those that need you so desperately. Be with my Aunt Joyce that is so sick and having such a tough time. Be with my missionary friends that are in places i can not even mention out loud. Lord, devour those feelings I have of being "left out". Everyone has been invited to the party and I am stuck at home - that is how i feel sometimes. Lord, it is so selfish, it is so ugly, but so real to me. Lord, change my thoughts - get my eyes on You and Your purposes. Father, I love you!!! Continue to keep my SJ feeling well!!

598 - Approval and Thinking

Dear Lord, reason to pause a few days and think. I thank you for this slowing down time to ponder and reason and think. You are speaking, you are confirming, and you are testing. I thank you!! I see a change, I see a real heart emerging, I see fruit coming forth. Hard oh so hard! Love what you are doing! I seek You Lord. I need wisdom. STMM needs wisdom!

Francis Frangipane wrote

"To inoculate from the praise of man,

He baptized me in the criticism of man,

until I died to the control of man."

Luke 6:1-11 - Even though the Pharisees were expecting it, they did not want Jesus "working" on the Sabbath - healing the withered hand. Jesus did the unthinkable because He had greater plans and purpose. It was not about the here and now. It is not about the immediate and it was not about Him. Always serving the Father!! Always thinking about others. Always wanting to show the glory of God. Always lifting up the Lord. Always bringing others back to God. Never about seeking the praise of man or approval or acceptance or anything to do with man. He was teaching us to serve even in the strangest ways, even in ways that don't agree with others, even if it did not serve Him well, even if it was for the future!!! It is not about me!!! Oh how I see so clearly!!

Thank you Father for the Words!! Thank you for this gift!! Thank you for this pondering time!

Be with my Sarahjane - sick little hip. Back to the orthopedic today. More baseball. Emmajoy did so well in the swim meet. I think she won the backstroke. She loved it and I am so thankful!!