Moving out of ICU brought back the same kinds of feelings. I liked knowing i could read my dad's heart rate at any time. I liked knowing his blood pressure and his pulse ox constantly. Then moving to a regular room gave me that uneasy feeling when Tucker moved up to the big boy room. They only checked on Dad every 4 hours. They had many more patients and it was another step of faith! Letting go in such of a way.
Now that we are in the Patricia Neal Rehab center - it is another step of faith. Dad is not monitored very much at all. He doesn't have the pressure cuff thingies on his legs to help with blood clots. He has no IV. They are making it as close to home as possible and I guess I am not really ready for that! The odd thing is that it really should have nothing to do with my feelings. If the doctors and nurses think it is time to move up then by all means my feelings don't matter OR my lack of faith!
I was reading last night about a momma whose 4 year old son has a brain tumor and is having many seizures. They were really trying to figure out what to pray. I so feel the same way in this situation. Of course I want healing, I want Dad to walk again, I want him to go back to his normal self or normal way of life, but is that my selfish prayer or is it for him or for my momma or is it even what the Lord would have? At such a hard and scary time i have just about been speechless when I want to be so vocal to the Lord. I want to pray the right things.
So this momma, i believe her name is Becca - wife of Roger Davis, said that she was praying for God's character more than she was praying for God's answers. Oh how that rang true to me! That is what I want to do......... More than I need any particular miracle or healing I need the patience, grace, mercy, gentleness, faithfulness, joy, tenacity, etc. I need those things or God's character so that no matter what He brings next - good or bad - I will look like the Lord, I will act like the Lord, I will be like the Lord, I will desire the things of the Lord! Having the character of God will enable me and us all to endure whatever our life brings!
God, please give me your character. I want to be able to rejoice in this situation. I want to be able to fret not while going through this trial. I want to be able to glorify You even in the rough! God I want to look like you - others to see the face of God even if my heart is breaking!
Lord Jesus, I pray that you begin to turn my Dad's spirit into joy. I pray you give him the encouragement to work hard and keep at it. Lord, I pray that my momma will begin to relax a bit and feel comforted by You right now!! God if it is not too soon we need to begin to see some physical progress. Something that will give Dad and mom the hope that things will not be like they are now for forever! Jesus please keep tapping on others shoulders to check on mom and dad. I do not want them forgotten even though I do realize other's lives must go on.
Jesus I so can see your hand!! And I thank you for that!!! Keep being obvious and ministering to my family in all sorts of ways thru all sorts of people! Lord Jesus, I trust in you!! I love you!