Saturday, January 02, 2010

794 - LONG and awaited update

Hey everyone - please forgive me for there not being an update in the past week. I have been at home doing life there and while Dad and Mom are never one moment from my thoughts it is hard to update when I am not there and seeing everything everyday! Mom fills me in each day, but the last week and a half have been quite a blur.

It was not so much a blur for us, but for dad. They definitely had dad on the wrong meds and just about made him not able to even wake up on certain days. He was so lethargic that even the therapy for that week was useless. So they have recently done a re-eval and he is going to stay 4 more weeks as of Thursday Dec. 30. We are so happy that sleepy week didn't go to waste!

I hope you will allow me to be honest and kind of get things off my chest. I first want to thank you all for your calls to momma, sweet cards, emails, etc!!!!! I know she may not be able to answer the calls, but she does appreciate them and the messages usually come at a very good time or a time of much needed encouragement. (Don't ever hesitate to leave a message.) This whole event is so hard on all the family. I hurt being away from mom and dad because I know they need so much help. But then being here without the kids like last time hurts too. I am up here right now with all my kids and that is tough too. It is good for the kids to see Dad and good for him to see them as well, but it too is hard. He gets tired easily and they get bored easily. My girls (Clay had to take Tucker back for basketball practice earlier) were so good all day. They were fine hanging out in the movies of the rehab, they played checkers in the rehab game room, and enjoyed watching Dad in his therapy sessions. But still it is hard! I get sor twith them when I have not had much sleep and that is not fair ....and hard! My brother "dropped" by on his way home from a long trip to Dallas to his wife's family.........and that is hard!

Mom is so worn out, but Dad does not really want anyone else but her. I did stay with him one night and so did my brother, but he really wants mom. My brother has been so wonderful at taking care of the financial things for them, but still there are things mom has to leave for......... like her own shoulder therapy and laundry and her own meals. (The next door neighbors dropped off a truly southern meal of mashed potatoes, collard greens, black eyed peas, cornbread, beef brisket......... It was heavenly and such a welcomed change for dad and hospital food and mom getting fast food.) It is hard. My Uncle Mack came down for a few days and mom talks about how wonderfully helpful that was - even more so than she realized at the time!

My daughter Sarahjane is VERY honest and she asks very honest questions!! She asked dad is he was sick of being in the hospital. She asked if he was tired of being in that wheelchair. She even asked if he wanted to go home and walk again. Yes, yes, yes, I was not aware she was doing all this or I would have given her one of those momma kicks and one of those eyes that can slice your head off from across the room, but i wasn't there. With each question dad answered and of course cried a bit.

As far as Dad's temperament - We do see a bit of evidence that he is moving into the acceptance phase. Because dad is so normally somber and quiet there are times you wonder if a tiny bit of depression could be setting in. But the longer I am around him I remember the old dad and just how he is not much of a talker. He is so compassionate to the kids and just wants hugs all the time! I would say the thing that dad expresses now and probably is bothered by the most is the fact that he feels like he is not taking care of mom. I am sure any man would feel this way - especially ones that have never had much sickness and have been the strong head of the household like my dad.

As far as for myself I sure have come to some hard realizations! I have always shared as I ministered that a life lived right and honoring to the Lord in all aspects is one that the Lord will bless and a life that will be full of blessings. (I even have to be honest and say that while I didn't express it verbally my thought process in that statement was one that if you live right you could possibly even avoid bad things - however you define bad things.) I have a friend that is struggling so badly right now with not being able to do the right thing - at all! I have always encouraged her that living a life that God can bless will be a blessing. If you do life right, it will do you right! I had to go meet with my struggling friend and change my words!

I told her - we don't do right, just to get good. God doesn't give us good just because we have done right. You can do all the right things and things still not go right - from the human eyes. I told her that if I had ever promised her in any way that God would bless her in amazing ways because she lived her life as perfectly as possible and did what she was suppose to do, I needed to rephrase that!

I first want you to know that I don't understand it - life, God, or anything in between! God is God and He is good - I do know that! I do know that He does reward or bless, if you like that word better, a life that does follow closely after Him. God does look favorably on a life that seeks Him diligently. He does bless!! But I don't understand why it seems like some get all the blessings. I don't understand when it looks like some get an easier life. I don't understand when it seems like some struggle much harder with sin than others. And I don't understand when one has done all the right things and yet it still seems to all fall apart.

In my head - yes, I have all the right answers, but in my heart - I am looking for the Peace! Daddy did all the right things as far as physically to be in the best shape he could. He did it all - ate right, exercised right, took care of injuries right, rested right, etc!!! Dad did it right! But then on Dec. 8 it was like all that right was reversed or ignored and a massive paralyzing stroke occurred! It just doesn't seem fair!

No ONE is immune!

What I have come to realize is that we do right and live right and love right so that when it goes wrong we are not consumed. Many and most people do not survive dad's kind of stroke. But we have been told over and over again that Dad will do much better than the normal person because he had done it all right. He will not be consumed by this because he did it right. This is bad, the stroke is terrible, but he will arise a blessed winner. As a nurse told us in ICU - the Lord kissed your daddy today!

It is all about perspective. I have got to get my eyes off myself and judging my actions and basing His love on how good I think I am. I have got to get my eyes off me and the good that ever so often comes forth from my mouth or in my actions and judge His blessings to me. I am a wretched sinner in need of a Savior. Nothing I could do or have ever done deserves one single blessing! But for some reason He does bless. Just because I do good doesn't mean blessings will occur. Hard times are a blessing too! Difficult to accept or even notice, but those too are a display of His love! He loves me just because - based on nothing I do! He blesses because He wants and I think rarely is based on my good deeds or how "right" i live my life!

All this is why our Savior is so amazing! It has nothing to do with me, us! It is all about Him. Amazing Grace how sweet the sounds that saved a wretch like me! I once was lost, but now I'm found, was blind, but now I see!

My eyes are on Him - not meeeeeee!!! I love you Jesus - thank you for being so real to me. Thank you for opening my eyes. Thank you for your kindness and love, grace and mercy!


Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

Lori said...

Praying for you girl. My world is struggling also as we find a new normal this year as Mom beings dialysis three times a week probably for the rest of her life. I pray for you, for your Dad's recovery, and his perseverance. Hugs.

Julie said...

Leigh, I got the same exact thing on my blog.... same exact words... weird....

I'm gonna go to my stat counter and check out and see where it came from. That's just too weird!!!