Friday, June 25, 2010

858 - Can I explain myself please...

This is a previous post, but ringing very true in my life once again! I am so thankful the Lord has brought me to a very raw place again especially as I leave to go to a Beth Moore event today!!! I am so anticipating a personal Word from Him and something as well to bring back to my church, blog friends, and even Facebook friends as well. I am pumped and I am ready!!! Feel stripped away and clean!!! Good place to be in to receive!! Love, Leigh

I feel a great need to explain even though I am trying my hardest to move away from that kind of personality trait in me - people pleasing, but I must!

Last night on American Idol Dolly Parton said something about not wanting to cry because her false eyelashes might come off. I thought in that second that is the type of speaker that I am - well really that is the type of person I am and I speak the same way. Real and hopefully genuine! I can not hide much and try my hardest to expose myself only for the fact of raising Him up and helping to lift others closer to Him!! If i can do that through my mistakes - then by all means. I always tell about my "false eyelashes".

Let me go on to say my last engagement the other Saturday night at my old church in Norris City, Crossroads, was such a tender evening. My message was so raw I had trouble even articulating my thoughts on many occasions. But i went on to tell the ladies about my failures of most recent, but God led me to not get specific. He has never done that for me. But He revealed to me that He wanted the group to know how He pulled me through and not what my pitfalls were all about. Raise Him not expose Leigh. After the event my friend said, "Did you know you just pulled a Beth Moore?" I kind of looked at her funny and just laughed not really knowing what she was saying. Comparisons to Beth Moore are so humbling, but very, very uncomfortable for me! So I asked - what do you mean??? She went on to say that I left the group hanging to guess what my struggles as of late have been and did not tell specifics. She said Beth Moore always does that and it drives us all crazy - I have said the same thing myself. Yes, I understood what she was saying and I had not thought about it that way just because God had asked me to Raise Him and not expose Leigh. It was an obedience thing and not a copy-cat thing. My friend was not implying that at all... Anyway...

I say all that to say - I have to let myself out. I can not be contained. It does me no good and it does no one else any good - not that I blog for anyone else. My momma can attest to the fact that I have journaled all my thoughts, dreams, frustrations, fears, etc. since i was in 5th grade. I don't just mean off and on, I mean constantly. The only time i got slack or moved away from it was when i had children. It is just me. Anyone that read those journals knew that I had a fear of dying when I was very sick in high school, they knew i was scared of boys, they knew I was a jealous person, they knew I got very angry on the tennis court, they knew everything because i put it to pen! It really didn't bother me who read it because they could have asked and I probably would have told them all the stuff too. I can not hold in my feelings very much! Or at least my thoughts. For me it is not healthy - actually makes me physically sick.

I always get off line emails from individuals brave enough to ask me to explain this or that I blogged about. Why I think this or why I feel this way or whatever. I do not find it anything but special they would take the time to read the blog, but then ask about it, etc. These last couple of months have been so that and lots of questions have been asked!! I have told God often on my blog that I have messed up and want to realign. I have told Him that I wanted to be "recleaned". I have told God that I don't know what I am doing, but I want to just be His. I don't long, as in panic or stew, yes get a bit anxious, but not panic - any longer - to know specifics of tomorrow or even next month of my life - I just want Him. It is the honest truth!

I never set to set myself up as more than I actually am. I get raw and usually stay that way. My smile might seem as a cover up, but really I smile all the time. JOY! I am just living life and I think it might bother or discourage some readers. I would be a liar if I never told of my mess ups and mistakes. I have to let it out. Some would say I need to be more careful of my words. Others would even go on to say you might hurt yourself from being used in great ways - event planers are going to be scare of you, publishers are going to want to quiet you - you have to establish yourself and gain respect before you can let the real you out - I have been told all those things. I have even been asked if I could think of more tragic things in my life that would make for a real good story... I can not live like that and I know with all my heart He does not want me to. Is there a fine line - oh yes, but as my friend Lisa always says - Be You and I have to be me.

Why am I saying all this - well, I need you, the readers, to know - this is me. God has given me a gift and to what extent is He going to use - I don't know. He has and is establishing a ministry with the one of the head girls very real, raw, and totally passionate. Don't, please don't let your mind wonder when i tell you I have messed up. I think some readers are thinking I have robbed a bank or something like that. When I say I need to be recleaned or rejuvenated - it does not mean I strayed away in some great sin or even failed to have my quiet time for an extended length. When I say my husband and I had a argument it does not mean we are on the verge of divorce. It means we fight at times. If I say I am in over my head with this ministry stuff - it does not mean I am about ready to give up, it means I am doing something beyond me and am at a place that all dependence is on Him - right where He wants me to be!!

Those of you that look to me as some kind of leader, mentor, encourager, or even authority - I mess up and I have to let you know that and I need you to know that!!! It does not mean that I am abandoning all and forsaking Christ. It means I am just like you - real and a wretch! Oh please hear me - I love my Jesus more than most things and I am striving to love Him more than anything! It is a day to day journey for me, but one that I will not let go of. I know and have come to realize because of the Internet alone my sphere of influence - if you will - is much broader than I could ever imagine - and I am just little ole me. I know with that comes great responsibilities and accountability! Hopefully I am maturing with that realization everyday. Bottom line, I can not pretend. I can not fake it. I can not be something I am not or something you might want me to be - perfect is just too hard for anyone except my Jesus!

Please do not hear this as defensive, argumentative, or even angry - heaven forbid. Please hear this as just a girl crying out for you to Love Him more than all - same thing i am striving for. I do realize that because of my "rawness" I may exclude myself from greater things or publishers or whatnot. At this point in my life - today, I can only live today - that is OK. So far the Lord has not given me this huge terrible experience platform on which my story will be told to thousands - and I am not asking for that either. I am just a plain old girl loving Him! I am aiming to please Him and not man! I want to His approval. I am a servant of Christ. Gal. 1:10. I love you all and I thank you for all your encouragement through email, comments, or even letters - please do not ever stop. Thank you!!! This is me, Dol-Leigh! (get it, dolly?) Have an awesome day in Him!

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