Thursday, February 02, 2006

For Your Glory! - Sorry long!

Lord, I come to You right now wanting to be honest and it could be ugly. I was studying yesterday about seeing your glory. I want o discuss 2 things with you.
1) Will I ever get to the point I only do things for Your glory, I won't desire any glory of my own. Oohhh that is so ugly. Am I the only one in the world that feels this way?? It is not very humble to feel this way and I hate it at times, but how can we get through it?
2) Will I know when I actually do see Your glory, providing You allow that?

I go from engagement to engagement wanting to see You work and wanting to see lives changed, but there is a small part of me that wants to receive a little pat on the back. There is a part of me that wants to receive my own glory. There is a part of me that likes the accolades. But how can that be, I am in ministry. I am not suppose to feel this way. I am suppose to have ultimate humility and complete focus on Him. OOOOHHH that is so ugly! Forgive me Lord. Change me, Lord. Help me. But I need to write this out so that I can be accountable and so I can learn from it. Do you think there are those that go on mission trips and things just to say they have been and like the feeling of the "ooh and awes" when they tell others what they are doing or where they have been? Do you think there are those desiring to see Him move and work in a huge way, but also want someone to notice they are the one He chose to do that work through? Do you think for one second that Mary said in a different kind of verse, "Well, I am His mother?"

I think so much of this emotion and wanting to see some shared glory is because of deep down insecurity. OOhhh - yuck, that is not pretty either! But I do mean insecurity in oneself, but also insecurity with the Lord. I guess I would say that I want to prove myself to others at times. So I want them to notice what I have done - or He has done through me. There are a small amount of people at my church I feel I will never be accurately seen in their eyes. It is an insecurity within me. So therefore I react in just the opposite way hoping they will hear about something "God" is doing in my life. Hoping to share His glory. Why I feel these people won't accept me and will do everything not to use me, that is whole 'nother issue I have learned to leave in His hands, truly! But if I were really secure in the Lord, I wouldn't care whether anyone found out what I was doing because I would know and believe that God lifts the humble and tears down the proud! I wonder if I should really be expressing this. With all sincerity, to God be the Glory.

Then as I go about my day longing to see Him work and things He is involved in, will I notice when His glory is smack dab right in front of me? I know is Ex. 33 we find Moses boldly and reverently asking to see God's glory. He had the confidence to ask to see that, but asked knowing it was something that was so great death could occur. The verse above that incident, like around verses 16 or 17, we see God telling Moses, "I am pleased with you and I know you by name." Oh Lord, can you ever be pleased with me? How could you when I have these thoughts of wanting to share in Your glory? But I do know that You do know me by name!! How precious and how humbling! But I think what we forget is Moses did not just have an everyday kind of walk with the Lord. The Lord was willing to reveal His glory to Moses because #1 he had the boldness to ask and #2 his walk was worthy of being blessed in this way. Moses was no doubt devoted, active present-participle believing prayer life, and worshipped often, and OFTEN sought forgiveness for himself and his posey!

I think there are times I see ones fall away from what they know is right or get sucked in to another life for one reason or another. They desire for that love and passion for the Lord to return, but are not willing to do the work. Not willing to be found faithful and not willing to go the extra mile as Jesus went a thousand miles for us! They want to see His glory, but not willing to be devoted, actively praying and not just in crisis, and worshipping more than just "Oh my Lord" kind of words. So in a different kind of way, they want to share in His glory, but only what they can take with them to feel good.

Oh Lord, this has been a very convicting morning. I do want to see Your glory and my heart at this moment does not want to share Your space. May you constantly convict my heart as this ugly surfaces and erode it from my heart, please! I beg you! I want You to be pleased with me and I want you to find me faithful! I want You to have all glory due Your name! I want to get past insecurity in myself and those I have with You. Make me a believer Lord! "Bara" me a new heart! I love you Savior and oh how You have saved me today already at 5:30am!


Sandy Stiles said...

Hi! My name is Sandy Stiles and I am a speaker too. I got an email from you telling about your ministry so out of curiosity, I came to your blog. It's kinda funny reading because my journal looks pretty similar! I love what I get to do so much that I have to constantly keep watch over my heart to make sure I have pure motives- most of the time, I am disappointed to see what lies in that heart of mine. At the same time, I look at the story of Gideon and find it comical at the end when he prepares for battle and tells them to yell "The Sword of the Lord and of Gideon" Obviously, Gideon wasn't going to bring victory to anyone. It was our God and His Power but Gideon was a bit excited I am sure, just as we are. I think we are in awe of the fact that we can be used in such an awesome way and at times it just feels too good to make that much of an impact. I don't know about you but I am SO NOT WORTHY but He uses me anyway. Praise His Awesome name!! He chooses the lowly, despised and weak to shame the wise! So, I think as long as we keep in mind that we are lowly, despised and weak without His Power in our lives, we will be just fine.
God Bless You and your ministry.
In Christ
Sandy Stiles

Sandy Stiles said...

I would love that! Same back at ya if you are ever in Texas! I gotta warn ya though, we talk funny!

God Bless!

Leigh Gray said...

I know all about Texas and love it!!! I grew up for 10 years in Palestine, near Tyler - East Texas. Then i lived there in New Braunfels near San Antonia for a while as i went to high school at John Newcombs Tennis Academy getting ready for college tennis!!
Love me some Texas and especially Tex-Mex!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sandy Stiles said...

Well, Tex mex is pretty much a religion around here! If you are ever around my area (good luck with that, nobody can find me!) I would love to treat you to a Tex-Mex meal and hear all that god is doing in your life. I have really enjoyed reading your blogs, they bless me. I haven't read your newest, but I will before I log off.
God Bless!

Leigh Gray said...

OK - it's a date!! Now we just have to wait and see how HE pulls it all togther!! I almost came to Houston this March to go to Beth Moore's Sunday night class and Tuesday Bible Study. But i was scare to come all by myself because that is a big city to get lost in - i am very capable of doing that!! Have a great day and keep in touch!

Sandy Stiles said...

my mom & I have wanted to go to Beth Moore's class too. Maybe we can all meet out there one weekend. I adore Beth Moore. Then, if we get lost in the big city,we will atleast have each other :)

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Speaking Thru Me Ministries said...

Having a blog giveaway week - come back by!! Love, Leigh