Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Just Have to Vent

Oh Lord, we got the news today. I know I should be much more stronger, but i think if i get it out then i will be able to BE stronger and stand!!! So please bear with me as my faithless heart yells out for more faith and more confidence!

We got the news today that Clay has to go back for more tests on his mole. They did state to him that it was absolutely not cancer, but on a scale of mild, moderate, or severe abnormal cells, he had moderate cells. If left untreated then these cells very likely would turn to cancerous. That is scary enough to me, a very laid back person and not one to worry about much, not very sensitive at times! So as you can imagine my husband, a worrier, kind of frantic at times is absolutely more than bothered!!

Lord, when you call us to do Your will, why do we as humans assume it is for a glorious thing - going to be great and going to be good. Why do we assume it is to do ministry rather than to have ministry done to us... I know i am thinking weird and not very clear right now, but like i said i need to get it out! This is why i journal - i have to vent and i am not good at verbal confrontation or verbal venting - even in prayer!

Our move to Illinois is without a doubt for reason. I have always thought to do ministry in the area and for me to have a more centralized ministry for traveling. My quiet fear was that possibly He was having us move to take care of my in laws as if a sickness was on the way. Or that one of my kids was going to get real sick and i would need way more help then i thought... But i just never let my mind go for some reason that it could be Clay or I that got real sick and that we may need ministering to ourselves for some reason... Oh i know - what a terrible way to think... I know - oh me of little faith!!! I know i know i know - but i have to get it out and then actually hear (read) my doubt! That helps me to fight!

Clay and i did a terrible and quite selfish thing today.................. We sat around and let our minds run down the what ifs road!! It was terrible. Saying things like - what would it be like for our kids to grow up without one of us. It did no good and Satan was loving it i am sure!!! Oh Lord forgive us and heal us!! Not so much bodies, but minds!!! I believe that is where real sickness begins anyway! It was so selfish because there are people with so much worse news than this!!!

Lord, i know you are shaking your head and just wanting to ring our necks! Let us be bigger than this thought process!! Let us be bigger than this life of small faith! After all - we have no sign of cancer, no sign of trouble, no sign of death, no sign of even pain!!! All we have is a past of blessings, a past of prospering, a past of faithfulness by You, a past of goodness, a past of victory!!! Why think anything else!!! Lord, make us rise above!!!

Ps. 32:7 "You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."

Ps. 91:15 "He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him."

Is. 32:17 "The fruit of righteousness will be peace; the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever."

Ps. 9:9 "The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble."

Phil. 4:19 "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."

I end this blog feeling a ton better!! He has spoken to my heart, ears, and eyes. I have some old Sandy Patti playing and my girlies are doing ballet all around the room just praising Jesus in the best way they know how! How my Jesus must be smiling now!!! They know nothing but how good You are !!! I know no different as well. As the song is playing - "And i praise you Lord not for all the wonderful things you have done, but Because of who You are!!!!" Amen and amen! I remember cruising around in high school playing this CD real loud, or actually it would have been a tape player!! But boy was i different - i always have been! But that is OK!!! I love you Lord - i really do!! Bring back that innocent love! We praise You through this storm and the others to come!!!

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