Thursday, November 29, 2007

Frightened Faith!!!!???? Possible???

Oh Holy Father – the storm is brewing within me and I am feeling a bit out of control. I praise you that you alone are well aware of all things even the tiniest details of the cells in my body. Oh Lord, I thank you that I can hold to You that never fails nor never lets me go. Thank you for the storm and I really do mean that. I am holding so tightly to You even as the winds get stronger and stronger. Scared, yes, just a bit.

Can we have faith and be scared at the same time? Hmm – I am not sure. It reminds me of a time that my family had gone tubing down the Guadalupe River. It got pretty bad at a point and so we had to bail – at least this is how I remember it. It could have been that we were just getting off the river for a while, but nevertheless I needed help. I remember my dad coming out to get me and take me to the shore. I had to hold on to him for dear life, but in typical Dad fashion he was all lathered up with tons of sunscreen making the hold very difficult. I was scared when I knew I needed help. As my dad got closer the scared feelings were still there, but my confidence began to rise that I was going to be rescued. I grabbed to my dad and he made his way to the other side of the river. Even as we were making our way across the river I was still scared, but assured we would be alright in the end. Is that “legal” in our walk with the Lord?

Even though my medical situation right now is minuscule compared to many, many others – to me it is a big deal. (My distant cousin is getting mass taken out today and I would guess they will not know the outcome of all that for a few days. Oh Lord, Jehovah Raphe, heal her. Give her strength for the days ahead – good or bad.) I just don’t like not knowing what is going on. Most of my life I have been very healthy and for something to pop up is weird, scary, and disabling in a sense. I know other women have been through this, but this is my first time. So while I know the Lord will take me to the other side “of the river” and I am holding on with all my might. I don’t know any of the bumps along the way and to me that is frightening – lack of faith I guess, but still frightening. I do know and believe He has it all under control, but the unknown is a bit scary. I trust You, but fear the things that I don’t know yet.

This morning the Lord led me to Mark 1:17 “Come follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will make you fishers of men.” Thank you for this verse Father. It gives me great peace this morning. I think I can say with confidence that I am doing my best to follow You. Come follow me – oh that is my greatest desire. I want to be in your footsteps and really on your back! Father, my heart’s desire is to follow you – Come - I am there! Follow – anywhere! Me – oh help me to see just You!!

It is the next part that just ignites me – for the good! “And I will make you fishers of men.” You are not just asking me to follow with no plan. You have everything planned out. A leader with no plan or vision is so hard to follow. But not only do You have a plan and vision, you have a job already allocated for me to do. I am going to be fisher woman! I think that is awesome. So no matter what the future holds, in it I am to draw all men to the bait. (That is not a very good word, but I am trying to stay fishy. Hee hee)

Oh Lord, thank you!! Thank you for always having a plan and purpose for me. Thank you for knowing my inner most thoughts AND still loving me the same! Thank you for blessing my life immensely. Thank you for giving me the most sensitive husband ever. Thank you for giving me so many kids to kiss on and hug and ………… oh thank you! Lord, follow after You – I would not have it any other way. I want to do whatever you ask. I would not be in Illinois if I didn’t believe that! Lord, increase my love, my faith, my trust, my confidence, my self-control, my gentleness. I love you!


Nicki said...

I think you can totally have faith and still be scared....we can find rest in our faith and assurance in our salvation but still frightened by what is ahead. Moses is a good person to think of, he was definetely afraid and yet still a very faithful, godly man. Fear is the unknown and we all face it!

I'm praying for you. I hope things are going to get better soon. Is the pain any better today?

Leigh Gray said...

The pain is much better, but still have the other....... I did find out today that my throid is a bit off. I go back to the doctor on tuesday. thanks for your prayers and comments too!!


CrownLaidDown said...

Praying for you sweet sister! I know that God will come and bring a swift healing to you. I am watching to see His Hand work.

BTW, I have a tubing down the Guadalupe story: I was with a boyfriend and his friend. I was quite a skinny bean and sat with my bottom through the tube. Then I hit a rock. I dared not tell the boys, so I just bit my lip. That night I was sunburned on the top and rock burned on the bottom. Ug!

I love you much in Jesus and am praying,