555 - A New Heart - a book - raw!!!

Oh Lord Jesus - I cannot thank you enough for the past 2 plus weeks. It has been absolutely crazy and exhausting and it is still not done - as far as the house and stuff. My mom and dad are coming this coming Tuesday to help with a few more things. It will not make the house complete, but so much closer. If we could just get everything from the old house moved over that would really help my nesting heart! ha! My in laws have been a huge help as well. Much like my own momma they are project oriented and like to get things settled and done. I think people would be shocked how many things are actually in their places or put away. I can only think of one box right now and it is in my office area.

This morning the Lord actually gave me 2 verses. Is. 43:18-19 and Ezek. 18:30-32. Thank you Jesus! Lord, as I have been gone the past few weeks I have seen a really cool thing that I knew, but needed to be convinced of. Without Internet - still on borrowed time - I had this overwhelming fear that everything in life would fall apart. I would hurt feelings if I did not get back with someone in less than half a day, I would lose possible engagements if I didn't respond quickly, I would be very slack on my quiet time because I could not post............ The world kept spinning and my God kept things beautifully perfect. It was glorious!

I have always said that my blog is a prayer to you my Lord and it is. So why would I care if I am posting or not. It is for me and Him - if anyone else wants to read it then that is great too. Well, i found that to be so true. It was like this last 2 weeks or so the Lord has shown me some true things in my heart - good and bad. This is one good thing - not many, but He is gracious enough to show me 1 or 2. I was still able and anxious to get up and spend my time with Him. It was still quite meaningful and filled with much prayer. He has done a new thing in my heart, well not really a new thing - but He is continuing to break me away from the People Pleasing Leigh - that is the past and "Behold, I will do something new"! I am not sure I know of another time in my life that I wanted Him more- nothing more or else. Yes, I would love to know details of my life, but God has broken that constant pull on me. Praise you Lord. I want you, Lord. Do I want to continue in ministry - oh yes, but you have passed me over into another realm of service. I want to know You and Word. I want to be defined by a love for You and not how much I do for you. I think that is the bottom line - I want to be known by You Father for my love for you and not what I do for you. I know you care about our service unto you, but you care more about our love for you - the service is just an expression of that love and I had gotten all those things reversed. Oh praise you Lord - freeing - i feel as if i could fly! Thank you!

I know this is going to sound so weird, but there are times I walk off the stage, platform, whatever and begin to hear satan whisper in my ear - DO you REALLY believe what you just said. If you really believed it then why do you do this? If you really believed it then why do you struggle with this... You don't really believe it do you?? I can tell you with all honesty it can be as soon as I turn to walk off the stage with one step or it can be on the way home or it can be a few days later, but it most of the time happens - the game! I hate it!

So I began to ask Jesus about this game that happens every time. I have always had a love for you, Lord. I can not remember not loving the Lord - maybe not with all my heart kind of thing, but I have always loved church, loved the Word, had quiet times, and just wanted to do His will. I can not tell you why He has placed that in my heart, but just part of me. I love Him, I really do! I do not remember a time that I have had to come back to Him after being gone for a time. I am not saying any of this proudly - it is just me and the way He has made me. I can not tell you why... So I asked the Lord - if this is all i really know then maybe it is habit and not something that I really love or desire. Show me that I do really believe and long for You.

As we made our plans for Chicago I could not figure out what church I wanted to go to. Moody Church, Willow Creek, or just a normal church I could walk in off the street. So Saturday night we started talking about it with our friends and I could tell it was MY deal. Of course they were willing to follow - the guys that is - but it was my passion. If we didn't go it would have been fine with my hubby, but for me - it was not an option. Please do not hear pride - I am just telling this situation and beautiful revelation He has done in my heart and soul. We get off the subway and have no clue which way to turn. Instinct took over. I was a mad woman looking for my Lord - and I knew they would have some worship time like i was used to at my old church. We could not find it and it was getting late. I ran into Panera to try to find directions. I think a few in the group would have given up - NO WAY! Then the thought ran through my mind - why is this - why am I so bent on getting to church? DO I really believe? Is this really me?

Typical of a big northern city not many people looked friendly enough to ask for help. Then this one lady smiled at me as she poured her coffee. That was what I needed - a smile. "Ma'am, do you know how to get to Willow Creek Church?" "Oh I think - I went there yesterday, but I think we are too late to get there now." "Oh, really - well I still want to get there. Can you show me the way?" Walking out of Panera I have the talk with myself again - Is this really me? Is this what I am all about? Do I really believe? Is this really my passion? But why?

Walking into Willow Creek the Lord took my breath away. Oh my stars, the worship!! Can we just say - heaven ad back - i went! Then the preacher began to preach. It was about when Elisha laid on top of the little boy and breathed life into him fro the dead - I Kings. The mom had everything, but was desperate for her son, her only son, to live again! Elisha did as the Lord asked and helped the boy to live again! It was awesome. Then the Lord began to speak into my life - breath of life. He began to explain to me that I had recently become desperate once again. I have had many wants, but He wanted me to need Him and not what He could do for me. As I was frantic to get in His sanctuary that day because I do know the Breath of Life! It was real - my desire for Him, my want to know Him, and my love for Him - It was life and breath to me. Yes, He made me that way and will do everything possible to keep me breathing and desperate for His breath. I do believe, I really do and I do love, I really do!! Oh praise you Lord. Yes oh yes, my Lord and I had a crying fit that morning and i am sure my husband thought he was going to have to escort me out - I was getting sloppy!!

All of this does not and can not go without saying I have really goofed - that is the not feel so bad way to say - totally messed up! Because of my huge desire to do His will through speaking I have a hard time saying no. Since this post is getting so long, I will give you the sort version. I have so overbooked myself I can hardly see straight. It has affected my family, my friends, my hubby, myself, my ministry partner, my kids, my everything... I am scrambling to keep my head above water. But the cool thing is what God has done in my heart. If i can help it and only by His grace - I will never do this again. But God has changed my heart all together. I do want to do more ministry, but I truly want Him more. But it is different now. because I want Him and His righteousness in my life - He has freed me from the desire to have this huge ministry. I want Him! He has freed me from wanting to have huge platforms. I want Him. He has freed me from wanting to have books and bigness. I want Him. I am desperate. I want the Breath of Life - oh Lord - thank you!!! No one else may understand or believe this heart condition, but I know that i know that i know - I believe. I want YOU!!! anything else that follows is gravy!! White gravy, not red eye gravy!! hee hee I love you my Jesus! Thank you for Ezek. 18:30-32 - I have repented and live!!!