Wednesday, June 04, 2008

593 - Need Him?

Lord Jesus - thank you for the wonderful week so far. The kids are having a great summer to start! We started basketball camp yesterday at Norris City - it is wonderful. Then we have swimming practice every afternoon at 4pm. The girls are doing wonderful. I am pretty sure based on what the coach told me yesterday that EJ will make the team. SJ got spooked on Monday, but did get back in the water the same day and has blossomed ever since. Elleigh calls herself a swimmer. I would say she is dangerous now - knows too much and thinks she can do it!! We had another baseball game last night and same ol' same. Still nothing to report. We did have a huge long talk about why God lets us go through hard times and what he could be learning from this. Precious - that is all I can say!!! I love him so much!

Get this - I had gone to the bathroom and was walking back to the bleachers. I was walking passed the other set of bleachers - in front, mind you. When all of a sudden I hit a hole, turned my ankle, and feel flat on my face. IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!!! I do mean flat out on my face. Goodness gracious!!! It hurt so bad, it is huge and yucky today, can hardly walk, but my pride!!!! Oh goodness - I am so thankful Clay was not there! He would have died!! ha ha! So I am down and out with a bummed ankle - or 'angle' as Elleigh calls it!

Lord Jesus - I have a question - It is possible to not need you or not need anything from you? Is it possible to just sit with you and not need anything? Because even when I do just sit to listen I still am in need of your presence. At times there may have been requests that seemed bigger to me than needing Your presence, but is it possible for me to just be near You and not want or need?

Matt. 4:23-25 "23Jesus went throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom, and healing every disease and sickness among the people. 24News about him spread all over Syria, and people brought to him all who were ill with various diseases, those suffering severe pain, the demon-possessed, those having seizures, and the paralyzed, and he healed them. 25Large crowds from Galilee, the Decapolis,[a] Jerusalem, Judea and the region across the Jordan followed him."

I see in this verse above the people have "discovered" Jesus amazing power to heal and make whole - and all they can think about right now is their physical bodies. It seems to be all about what He can do for them or their loved one. I don't see anyone in this passage just asking Jesus to just hang out. And then again, when asking to hang out that really is asking something of Him - His presence. Don't you think there was some soul hanging around to just watch. Not so much the amazing healings going on, but just to see Jesus and be near? I think there was probably a lot of those.

What would it be like to be that person just watching and not wanting? I can say I am not sure I know at all. When I am watching someone I rarely just watch without some kind of thought - selfish thought. "I would like to meet her. I would like to be friends with her. I would like to understand more about her. I would like to hang out with her some. I would like to do what she is doing? I wonder if she would be my friend. I wonder if she would share in her experiences. I want to do what she is doing. I wonder if she would share her doughnut or elephant ear" ha ha! I think it is impossible for me to just want to watch without having some kind of thought of want.

Father - I am not sure I am making any sense at all today. I know what my heart is trying to convey, but can't really get it out of my head. I just want to know if You are alright with me always needing something from you even if it is Your presence. My life is looking so different than not so much than what I thought, but maybe what I dreamed, and I just need your presence to be so real, ever-present, and crystal clear. Maybe it is because i am getting older day by day, but I do want YOU and not so much It can change quickly. Lord, help me to be what You need me to be. Help me to play my role with 100% acceptance and confidence in You. Help me to embrace where You have me and to be real. Oh Lord, You are so exciting!! You are so incredible. I desire to be no other place than where i know You have for me!! Father - I love you!!! Thank you!


Nicki said...

I'm so sorry about your ankle!! OUCH!!! I hope it gets better soon!

Good thoughts girl! Love it!

Melissa May said...

This post reminds me of Psalm 23 and Psalm 131:2 and Zeph 3:17. It's not always, but I'm finding more than ever (by God's grace to me!!!!!) that I do have times of just be-ing with God and finding peace and contentment and satisfaction just being with him. In Ps 23 David says He is his Shepherd, so he will not want. Psalm 131 talks about his soul being like a weaned child (as opposed to the unweaned child that can't sit still close to mom without WANTING!) and my favorite: Zeph 3:17 where it says He will quiet us with his love. I've been asking God to reveal more of His love to me and I'm finding it really is quieting my heart. There's still PLENTY of over-analyzing and anxiety and other junk in my heart, but God's quieting it. I know it's directly connected to God dealing with my lifetime of striving to do everything right and His teaching me to trust Him and I am so grateful. There will be lots more working for Him and fighting in prayer... but right now He's teaching me how to rest.