593 - Need Him?

Lord Jesus - thank you for the wonderful week so far. The kids are having a great summer to start! We started basketball camp yesterday at Norris City - it is wonderful. Then we have swimming practice every afternoon at 4pm. The girls are doing wonderful. I am pretty sure based on what the coach told me yesterday that EJ will make the team. SJ got spooked on Monday, but did get back in the water the same day and has blossomed ever since. Elleigh calls herself a swimmer. I would say she is dangerous now - knows too much and thinks she can do it!! We had another baseball game last night and same ol' same. Still nothing to report. We did have a huge long talk about why God lets us go through hard times and what he could be learning from this. Precious - that is all I can say!!! I love him so much!

Get this - I had gone to the bathroom and was walking back to the bleachers. I was walking passed the other set of bleachers - in front, mind you. When all of a sudden I hit a hole, turned my ankle, and feel flat on my face. IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!!! I do mean flat out on my face. Goodness gracious!!! It hurt so bad, it is huge and yucky today, can hardly walk, but my pride!!!! Oh goodness - I am so thankful Clay was not there! He would have died!! ha ha! So I am down and out with a bummed ankle - or 'angle' as Elleigh calls it!

Lord Jesus - I have a question - It is possible to not need you or not need anything from you? Is it possible to just sit with you and not need anything? Because even when I do just sit to listen I still am in need of your presence. At times there may have been requests that seemed bigger to me than needing Your presence, but is it possible for me to just be near You and not want or need?

Matt. 4:23-25 "23Jesus went throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom, and healing every disease and sickness among the people. 24News about him spread all over Syria, and people brought to him all who were ill with various diseases, those suffering severe pain, the demon-possessed, those having seizures, and the paralyzed, and he healed them. 25Large crowds from Galilee, the Decapolis,[a] Jerusalem, Judea and the region across the Jordan followed him."

I see in this verse above the people have "discovered" Jesus amazing power to heal and make whole - and all they can think about right now is their physical bodies. It seems to be all about what He can do for them or their loved one. I don't see anyone in this passage just asking Jesus to just hang out. And then again, when asking to hang out that really is asking something of Him - His presence. Don't you think there was some soul hanging around to just watch. Not so much the amazing healings going on, but just to see Jesus and be near? I think there was probably a lot of those.

What would it be like to be that person just watching and not wanting? I can say I am not sure I know at all. When I am watching someone I rarely just watch without some kind of thought - selfish thought. "I would like to meet her. I would like to be friends with her. I would like to understand more about her. I would like to hang out with her some. I would like to do what she is doing? I wonder if she would be my friend. I wonder if she would share in her experiences. I want to do what she is doing. I wonder if she would share her doughnut or elephant ear" ha ha! I think it is impossible for me to just want to watch without having some kind of thought of want.

Father - I am not sure I am making any sense at all today. I know what my heart is trying to convey, but can't really get it out of my head. I just want to know if You are alright with me always needing something from you even if it is Your presence. My life is looking so different than not so much than what I thought, but maybe what I dreamed, and I just need your presence to be so real, ever-present, and crystal clear. Maybe it is because i am getting older day by day, but I do want YOU and not so much things............today. It can change quickly. Lord, help me to be what You need me to be. Help me to play my role with 100% acceptance and confidence in You. Help me to embrace where You have me and to be real. Oh Lord, You are so exciting!! You are so incredible. I desire to be no other place than where i know You have for me!! Father - I love you!!! Thank you!

503 - It's Almost Here, 2008!

Dear Heavenly Father,

Wow - what a year. Thank you Jesus! Yesterday in church we had an excellent SS class and just an incredible church service as well. In Sunday School we talked about last year, the highs and lows, we discussed how we were going to make things different after all change only comes when you do things different. And then we also discussed scripture that has made us what we are and moves us to do certain things. In a real big class this could not happen, but in our small class we have such intense conversations and real "moments". It is awesome - thank you, Lord!

Then yesterday in our service our preacher started off by saying throw the bulletin away and just listen. He has no sermon notes, just wants to share. Now being in church as long as I have I immediately got scared - oh no, he is going to resign!!!!! But no!! Then my thoughts went to pastors that I have seen say they have no notes just want to share their hearts and if the truth were really spoken it meant that they were lazy and had just not prepared anything. It was so wonderfully awesome to know that my preacher, young preacher, is such a man of prayer and devotion that he would not dare come to the pulpit and fake a sermon kind of thing. I trust the words he says because I know he prays through everything. Even yesterday most of what he said yesterday was scripture. That man pretty much speaks scripture - it is kind of like listening to Kay Arthur - most of her messages are scripture just backing up point after point with scripture and more scripture - Oh Lord what great examples you have placed before me - thank you!!! Lord bless Luke - grow him, fill him, and use him mightily!! He was sooooo good yesterday. He was so real, and so passionate. I love when he walks away from his notes and just allows his personality to shine through and boldness to .............be bold. He is so bold, but laced with grace. He reminds me so much of Chad at Crossroads! What great guys!

The scripture that, well one of the many scriptures, Luke put before us and gave us a challenge or charge to study was 1 Thes. 1:3. "We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ." Luke was using this scripture yesterday to show us how he felt about us as a church, but also how Paul was admonishing one of his churches. Luke had such a humble and thankful heart yesterday - wow!

So I had to dissect it this morning and what a blessing. "work produced by faith" Work here simply means your occupation or calling - what you are known to do... ie. she is a doctor. And that faith there is the well known "pistis" - what you believe, persuaded by, trust and a firm foundation of Christ. So Paul was saying here that he can not forget the solid foundation of faith these people have that flows over into their everyday work - what they do is produced by the strong faith and belief that is establish in Christ Jesus. Therefore the argument can be made that even though we are not in "ministry", we are all ministering at work no matter what it is. Our faith and belief produce the work we do and the way we do - AND others are watching!

"your labor prompted by love" This labor here is something different than work - occupation - like we just saw above. This is not so much the act of working as it is the exertion and "labor" it takes to make it or do it. The trouble, the exertion, the weariness felt in the job... and i could have guess it, this labor is prompted by love and yes that is the agape love.

"your endurance inspired by hope" This is not the endurance like in being able to endure people or have patience with people. This is the endurance to with circumstances and situations. "the quality of character that does not allow one to surrender to circumstances or succumb under trial. All of this is inspired by hope - hope in out Lord Jesus.

When we put this all together it is awesome!!! Paul is looking back on this church and saying - I can not forget the work I have seen you doing day in and day out - what you have been called to do, what you have been made to do, what God created for you to do and with such Faith. Your faith and believing God is such a foundation for your work and it shows to all those around. Because of your solid foundation I see the trouble that you go through or the lengths you go to to do your "job" with such love. Love has prompted you because of your solid foundation of Faith in our Lord Jesus and only through that is this love evident. This is Christ's love showing through in your labor - AND others see that too. If we go a step deeper into your inner soul we can see that your character is such and you will not let up. The hope our of our Lord Jesus returning is worth the wait - you will endure, you will labor, and you will work... but all because of the solid foundation of Faith, inspired by hope and prompted by love!!! Wow - now that is one tall order or affirmation!!

Thank you Father for your Word! Thank you for the flow and the consistency of it! Thank you for allowing me to study your Word and be changed by it. May that never change! Lord, may this be a year that I am prompted by love. May the solid foundation of faith and belief in You, my Savior, be life changing for me. May I be inspired by the hope of your returning and have more of a kingdom approach to everything I do. May I put all trust in you and endure through all circumstances. May I work my hardest and labor with joy. Oh Lord, make this a year to remember. I want to remember all the ways I saw your hand. I want to remember all your miracles and wonders. I want to take in your joy and walk in it!!! I want to be different. Oh Father, do your work in me!!! I praise you!!

239 - Circle of Life

Lord Jesus - I was able to see my best friend from college and maid of honor in my wedding last night. Suzanne Brown's father died and the visitation/funeral are in Henderson, Ky only about 1.5 hours from me. I am so thankful i went and was able to love on her at this time. It was great seeing her and she was so strong! Her daddy was very sick and was ready to go. We are thankful his suffering did not last long!

Each day brings something new into our lives. I am not quite ready to move on into the part of life that we begin to bury loved ones. My parents are so healthy and will hopefully be with us from many, many more years. We went to see Clay's grandparents this past weekend in Olney, Il. and they too were doing great. His granddad is over 92, I think, and actually looked great. I don't have any living grandparents.

We never really know how long we have left. I want to live each day to the fullest and experience His joy and love. Lord, I want to spread that joy and love abound. Father when David left on his life of running from Saul he was only 20 years old at best. He had been anointed as the next king and yet was running scared in the hills and mountains trying to save himself from a madman. I can only imagine the words David screamed out - Lord, why me? Why can't I just go back to my home and be a lowly shepherd? If I was anointed and promised to be the king then why am i running and not being protected? The Psalms have many of his conversations with the Lord. Ps. 143 sticks out the most. He often screamed for the joy of his salvation to return. He wanted more of the Lord and to know Him even better.

By no means am i running scared or in danger, so I can hardly compare one single part of my life to this. But i do often feel I am running in circles just looking for the next place to land. When i was with Proverbs 31 it was very easy to dive in and feel connected and continuity in my life. But now that I am on my own there is like a long pause. I am not sure where to plant, I am not sure where to go, I am not sure how to do it, I am not sure when to pursue, I am not sure of many things.

Lord Jesus - today i seek your direction and plan. I don't want to know the far future, I just want to know today what I am to do. I think when I am looking to minister and am prepared to see You, then is the time You are obvious and I am at peace. Lord, your grace and mercy are all I need and want. Thank you for Your power working within me and Your grace that sustains me. I am so thankful for all You have done in my life. I want to see You lifted up and shine! I want to see Your glory. I surrender all my plans, dreams, intentions, motivations, wants, and desires to You. I lay them down and wait for only You. I want more of you sweet Lord. I want to know You so intimately that I never notice my own fleshly desires. I want my ways to align with Your ways and to only think Your thoughts. Lord, I want to be all You have for me and that is to be like You. Change my heart and my thoughts. Make me wholly Yours and completely surrendered to Your plan!

I am hopefully going to make it to Little Chapel MOPS today. The kids have practice tonight and I have got to get to the cleaners. Lord, we had another looker at our house. Lord, could that be the one? As Valarie prayed the other day, bring the person that You have designed for that house. May they be blessed by Your presence there. If i could just tell whomever how wonderfully prayed over that house is and how many awesome tears of joy have been shed on that carpet by so many young women. Oh Lord, for that reason alone the house would be such a blessing to someone. You are there, but it is going to take the right person to know that and feel Your presence there! Lead them to the house - You are waiting on them!

Protect Clay as he is traveling. The kids are praying for a dog. Hopefully my brother's dog will be pregnant soon. And I am specifically asking for 2 more engagements to add to my 2007 calendar. I am praying He will do this in February. The neat thing is that my kids are praying for it too. Emmajoy is faithful to pray - she doesn't give up! I love you, Lord.

Awesome weekend

Dear Lord, Thank you so much for the great weekend. It was the best birthday i have had in a long time. My sweet and precious Holly, the one i feel like i have raised somewhat, took the time to come down and see us before we shipped off. She is working full time at Duke and also going to seminary. She has reason to be busy and unavailable to stop and say good-bye. But it was great to spend that time with her and her new love. Dimitry, from the Ukraine, was absolutely awesome. They just met not too long ago in seminary and i predict will not wait too long to get married. Their hearts are just so much alike and they just look meant for each other. He is incredibly intelligent and so kind, but fun and quite handsome. I think the kids about drove him crazy, well i really mean wore him out. It was great to just sit and talk about the Lord with them and for us all to be on the same page. They are going to do great things in the Lord.

This morning I have ventured back to Hosea - chapter 5 today. Lord Jesus, i remember the time in college when i was searching You with all my heart, but could just not find You, as far as that deep relationship and closeness i had felt before. It was a very strange time because i was seeking and wanted desperately to know Your will. I had dated a guy the year before and almost made the mistake of marrying him. That would have been the worst - for both of us. So i didn't want to make the same mistake and wanted to hear from You. You seemed so distant.

Hosea 5:6 "When they go with their flocks and herds to seek the Lord, they will not find him; He has withdraw himself from them."

We see here that due to great sin, God has withdrawn Himself from these people, His chosen people. The reason is obvious here - rebellious heart. The time i was talking about before i don't think was so much removal because of vast amount of sin, but rather His way of drawing me closer in. Taking a bit of the closeness away so that i strive to go deeper with Him to regain that closeness, but actually develop a greater need for Him. The point i believe i see here is that God will do what He needs to do to bring us back to Him or take us deeper. I do understand when He withdraws himself it is not in a "lose our salvation" kind of way. That is secure and no one can ever pluck me out of the hand of God. But God will remove that closeness in time of rebellion just because of the simple fact that He will not dwell closely with such deliberate sin and contemptuousness. The Spirit within us never leaves, but certainly is not going to be as powerful in our lives because of all the sin.

But He will also remove Himself - the closeness - to draw us closer. In college i did everything possible to feel Him again. No my relationship with the Lord is not suppose to be about a feeling, but at that time that is all i knew. I was only 1 year or less removed from that memory of youth group highs. I wanted Him close again! He showed up in a huge way and i have since discovered other reasons for His distance at that time.

Lord, thank you for the way you have moved in my life over the years. Thank you for the times i have not felt You so close. Thank you! It has increased my longing to know You more. There are times even today that i want my quiet time to feel closer than it does on certain days. But as i have gotten older and hopefully a bit more mature I understand You are drawing me in on a daily basis. I am to seek with all my heart whether i feel or not. I am to pursue You with a heart of reckless abandonment. I will, but please show me what that looks like.

We were to asked to share our testimony yesterday at church of our upcoming move. It was great to get it down on paper all that i have learned on the way and then try to expound upon it. Maybe some day i have a title to a book - Putting Feet to our Faith! Heather and I did receive our first rejection letter from a publisher! Heather told me to frame it, i am not there just yet. Oh me of little faith!

I love you, Lord. Thank you for keeping the kids asleep. 11 more days and still quite a bit of packing to do. Let's get it done! Hopefully we will hear back from the latest church considering me. I want to go!! Please bring more opportunities.

Internal War

Lord, you know the thoughts i battle, the idols i war against, and the internal struggle to follow Your plan for my life in everything I do. Not an easy task and one that is quite the daily war, yet so worth it and filled with such blessings. But i think the war i battle the most often right now is the need for things and what is appropriate for me and my family. I look at what i have and then look at what others have and really am confused by my feelings. I know God has blessed us and i am so thankful, but i often wonder if i have gone too far. Is there a more reasonable standard i could live at and be able to pour out to more people? Am i making any sense Lord?

I have not always been this way. I am not sure if the Lord is giving me a new conviction, maturing me, or what the deal is. I grew up with pretty conservative parents. My dad was quite successful and my mom was a teacher for many years. So i believe, even though they may disagree, we could have lived much "higher" than we did. We were never hurting by any means, and we lived in very nice houses and all, but as far as being excessive, we were not! I so respect that and apprecriate this example today. I have not always lived like that and maybe in my own mind i am coming back to my roots.

So as i look around and I hear things from people and from media, my heart aches for the need to have more. We want a bigger house that we can live in forever. We want certain counter tops, we want this many square feet, we want 2 front doors (my dream), we want extra space for guests, we want curved archways, we want this amount of land, we want................... None of that is bad and many of those are my own statements, but where do we draw the line.

We had an unknown couple in our Sunday School class come across $3000 extra dollars. Instead of fixing up the house, getting a new car, etc. they drilled a well. A well in Rowanda! How cool is that! There are people over there in Rowanda that will now have clean water just because these folks said no thanks, we will do without and bless another! Now that is living out some faith!

What i see so often in my life as well - please hear me, i am totally including myself - I am going to take care of me and make sure my family - a great time to throw in "afterall, they are my first priority, right? - is well provided for and then i will reach out to others. I am going to make sure my girls are cute as a bug in a rug with all the appropriate bows and shoes, tights, etc. (I would just die if they had a poor self-image because i had not dressed them right.), make sure my house is well decorated and that we are working towards our next house, make sure my kids have that private school (who is going to be the light in the public schools), or certainly homeschool, or at least the best i can get them, make sure my son has every opportunity to make it to the pros, definitely have cable and all the latest gadgets, my oh my - i could go on and on. All of this is done, by me as well, in the name of being a good mom and wanting to keep my first priority in check! But in actuality many times we develop our first priority into an idol. We think and worship our kids so much that they receive more from us than we could ever dream of giving God. Why would we send them to private school - other than a personal conviction - because i would never have my kids exposed to anything than the best. Heaven forbid them to actually know the world and me be held accountable and be responsible for having to teach them to say no and act right and have higher standards! Boy, am i on a roll.......... God is doing something in my heart!

I am not casting judgement on anyone, but my society. I am casting judgemetn on myslef and trying to figure out what is next for me. I go into stores and still have a desire to buy and have things and want things to look nice, but have i gone too far and why is this excessive feeling welled up in me so much? What is my motivation? I think we justify our need to look good and look better than we really are by saying, "I am keeping my priorities straight." It has nothing to do with filling this need for more and keep with the Jones. And in this pursuit there is no peace, even for the Christian.

Hosea 4:10
"They will eat and not have enough; they will engage in prostitution and not have an increase, because they have deserted the Lord to give themselves to prostitution, to old wine and new, which take away the understanding of my people."

Lord, have i now or in the past given myself over to prostitution in the pursuit of more? Make my heart content and give me a peace about what is enough for me! I want Your will!