Internal War

Lord, you know the thoughts i battle, the idols i war against, and the internal struggle to follow Your plan for my life in everything I do. Not an easy task and one that is quite the daily war, yet so worth it and filled with such blessings. But i think the war i battle the most often right now is the need for things and what is appropriate for me and my family. I look at what i have and then look at what others have and really am confused by my feelings. I know God has blessed us and i am so thankful, but i often wonder if i have gone too far. Is there a more reasonable standard i could live at and be able to pour out to more people? Am i making any sense Lord?

I have not always been this way. I am not sure if the Lord is giving me a new conviction, maturing me, or what the deal is. I grew up with pretty conservative parents. My dad was quite successful and my mom was a teacher for many years. So i believe, even though they may disagree, we could have lived much "higher" than we did. We were never hurting by any means, and we lived in very nice houses and all, but as far as being excessive, we were not! I so respect that and apprecriate this example today. I have not always lived like that and maybe in my own mind i am coming back to my roots.

So as i look around and I hear things from people and from media, my heart aches for the need to have more. We want a bigger house that we can live in forever. We want certain counter tops, we want this many square feet, we want 2 front doors (my dream), we want extra space for guests, we want curved archways, we want this amount of land, we want................... None of that is bad and many of those are my own statements, but where do we draw the line.

We had an unknown couple in our Sunday School class come across $3000 extra dollars. Instead of fixing up the house, getting a new car, etc. they drilled a well. A well in Rowanda! How cool is that! There are people over there in Rowanda that will now have clean water just because these folks said no thanks, we will do without and bless another! Now that is living out some faith!

What i see so often in my life as well - please hear me, i am totally including myself - I am going to take care of me and make sure my family - a great time to throw in "afterall, they are my first priority, right? - is well provided for and then i will reach out to others. I am going to make sure my girls are cute as a bug in a rug with all the appropriate bows and shoes, tights, etc. (I would just die if they had a poor self-image because i had not dressed them right.), make sure my house is well decorated and that we are working towards our next house, make sure my kids have that private school (who is going to be the light in the public schools), or certainly homeschool, or at least the best i can get them, make sure my son has every opportunity to make it to the pros, definitely have cable and all the latest gadgets, my oh my - i could go on and on. All of this is done, by me as well, in the name of being a good mom and wanting to keep my first priority in check! But in actuality many times we develop our first priority into an idol. We think and worship our kids so much that they receive more from us than we could ever dream of giving God. Why would we send them to private school - other than a personal conviction - because i would never have my kids exposed to anything than the best. Heaven forbid them to actually know the world and me be held accountable and be responsible for having to teach them to say no and act right and have higher standards! Boy, am i on a roll.......... God is doing something in my heart!

I am not casting judgement on anyone, but my society. I am casting judgemetn on myslef and trying to figure out what is next for me. I go into stores and still have a desire to buy and have things and want things to look nice, but have i gone too far and why is this excessive feeling welled up in me so much? What is my motivation? I think we justify our need to look good and look better than we really are by saying, "I am keeping my priorities straight." It has nothing to do with filling this need for more and keep with the Jones. And in this pursuit there is no peace, even for the Christian.

Hosea 4:10
"They will eat and not have enough; they will engage in prostitution and not have an increase, because they have deserted the Lord to give themselves to prostitution, to old wine and new, which take away the understanding of my people."

Lord, have i now or in the past given myself over to prostitution in the pursuit of more? Make my heart content and give me a peace about what is enough for me! I want Your will!