602 - What Are You Looking For?

Lord Jesus, yesterday was one of those days. I got beat with every kind of disappointment known to man. Lots and lots of no's and "are you crazy, I am totally not feeling you" kind of statements. Why it was chosen for them to all come on one day is beyond me. Nevertheless I caved to the disappointment and succumbed to many tears. Just the girl I am. Let me just say I know for a fact that God speaks to me each day through all kinds of ways. Obviously my quiet time is one huge way He shares a few things. OK - so why did I walk away from my quiet time yesterday about how sneaky and deceptive Satan is and not remember it at all? Boy, yesterday was a day that I needed to remember and be aware. And the funny or interesting thing about it all yesterday was that the defeated one was not even deceptive - he was obviously and hurling the darts as if yelling, "here comes another one, what 'cha going to do?"

First, Lord, thank you for the Word you have given me today. My devotional took me to Luke 7: 1-10 where the master of a centurion sent for Jesus to heal his guy. His message sent to Jesus was that he would not even come himself because of how unworthy he was to be in the presence of Jesus. But he went on to say in his message, "If you will just speak the word, i know he will be healed." Jesus was amazed, shocked, pleased, elated at this man's faith and told the followers that He had not seen a faith like this in all of Israel. Returning to the house the servant or messenger found the centurion well.

That could not be a better word for me right now. Faith, I have been so faithless lately. Yesterday my day was filled with doubt. What am i doing in ministry? Am i suppose to carry on? Does He want me to continue on in ministry? If so, is it suppose to be with a team? What about the future of serving and speaking? Maybe I should just go back to school and be a teacher. I don't have what it takes or want to do what it takes to "make it" in speaking so maybe I should just hang up the phone now... Maybe I should not speak such things right here on the blog, but i have not ever held back much in the past why start now. I have to keep it real. I don't have to be so revealing of the specifics - that only honors Satan at times - but just to let Him know that my heart broke yesterday, but He is faithful and He sent many angels to my side. He always comes through!

I sent a few emails to some gals asking for their prayers and God spoke through each one of them. I was overwhelmed with what He did for me. I even saw my friend Courtney in the Wal-mart lot and wanted to crawl into her car and vent.........i had all the kids with me and it just wasn't the time. But i know God too sent her by to give me some cheer for that moment!! One particular call was almost surreal. Lisa called to talk about some other stuff and then just said, so how are you doing today. Oh goodness - the floodgate open up. I explained and then she spoke - or actually You Father spoke through her - thank you thank you!! She reminded me of how the Israelites hearts got hard. I know Lisa was not comparing me to the Israelites, she was actually saying some other stuff, but that is where He stopped my ears and convicted my heart. Ever so gently He reminded me that I have gotten a bit hard over the past few years. Yes, willing to walk the path He has placed before me, but through much disappointment and waiting have hardened my heart. "Will not do the things it takes to be a successful speaker" - what is that, what right do I have to say those kinds of things............ Lord, I know you are teaching me that I am in ministry and have no choice. He has called me and when He says go, I must go. It has nothing to do with what I do along the path. He calls, I go!

Then 2 or 3 other friends immediately emailed reminding me that I was believing a lie. "What has happened to allow Satan to get you to believe these things". And another said, "Do you not know where this is coming from?" All things I know and was having a tough time getting past yesterday... ugh!!! What a day.

I just don't quite understand all that I am to be learning right now and all that I am to be doing in the wait. I don't understand the "calls" not coming in to speak or anything. I so badly want to be used and I so badly want to do what He has called me to do, but this wait is rough!! And wise Lisa in my life said, "this is a sabbatical, not a future." Man, that spoke healing to me. Isn't funny that we can all be so sure of one's future, but when comes to self it can be so hard to know tomorrow.

I think that is why the Lord spoke to me through Luke 7 :1-10 today. Faith - it is hard to have much faith if a heart is hard... Oh Lord, thank you!! As i dropped to my knees yesterday it was so cleansing to confess my doubt, my fears, my inadequacies, my lack of faith, and just the plain old yuck that i allow my brain to encounter. Lisa also reminded me to think it of a privilege to be able to be with just God in this wait. He ordained it special for it to be just me and Him. Now that is a thought!!

Lord, increase my faith. Help me to believe. Help me to know You. Help me to not think about myself, but those that need you so desperately. Be with my Aunt Joyce that is so sick and having such a tough time. Be with my missionary friends that are in places i can not even mention out loud. Lord, devour those feelings I have of being "left out". Everyone has been invited to the party and I am stuck at home - that is how i feel sometimes. Lord, it is so selfish, it is so ugly, but so real to me. Lord, change my thoughts - get my eyes on You and Your purposes. Father, I love you!!! Continue to keep my SJ feeling well!!