I remember telling my mom that I wanted to wear my Fellowship of Christian Athletes sweatshirt so I could already make a statement about being a Believer. In Texas it was no big deal to wear that kind of shirt. Everyone had one and it seemed like everyone was "one". The same could have been true of this new place in the midst of southern Indiana, but I had no idea. It really was not for them that I wore this shirt, but for me to now be accountable to what that sweatshirt implied.
All was going well. I was making lots of new friends and was already excited to live in my new place. Tennis practice was at the end of the day and I could not wait to see if would be able to contribute to the team. But as I was sitting in the library that cute boy I had been eyeing all day started walking over to me.
You see, I still had all my old notebooks from Texas. On them was written things that were very common with my friends in Texas. Things like: I love Jesus, Jesus is my best friend, I love Church, Want Jesus to be your best friend, etc? But something told me that was not the norm in my new school. I began to panic.
BJ was walking in my direction and with each step I knew he was going to sit at my table. I glanced down and saw one of my notebooks with the words, "I (heart) Jesus" and my own heart began to pound. I wish I could tell you my heart was pounding because the gorgeous, most popular guy was coming to talk to the new girl...me! But no!! It was as if time stood still for a moment. I grabbed the notebook and quickly scribbled out "I (heart) Jesus" just seconds before BJ sat down at my table. PPPPPPHHHHEEEEEEEWWWWWWW, I was safe.
I was Judas.
The bell rang and I gathered up my notebooks and walked away with the boy that everyone wanted, but the heart hurting from betraying the Lord that everyone needed. The Holy Spirit cut deep. My almost perfectly planned out day was just ruined by a quick scribble of the hand and a deep plunge of the heart into a place I had not been before.
In Luke 22 Judas does the same thing. He gives into a strong desire to be liked and wanted. He gives into a desire to have more than he already does. For Judas it was money and possibly popularity with the government officials. But for me it was no different. I too wanted to be liked, I wanted to be accepted, and I gave into a desire to have more as well.
The difference was that Judas was inhabited by Satan on his betrayal day. Jesus had already inhabited my heart and while sin took precedence that moment, Jesus still remain in residence in my heart. Judas killed himself, I believe, without knowing the Savior. I killed a bit of my confidence in my walk with Him. It was no fun and I know grieved the heart of God, but something I still remember this day. While terribly embarrassing, I hope to use it as a teaching tool to whomever. Don't be a Judas - keep your Faith!