Tuesday, October 13, 2009

767 - Amazing God, wretched Leigh

Lord, as i sit here this morning I am so thankful to be your child! I am studying 4 major world religions thru a class my hubby is teaching at church by Ergun Caner - When Worldviews Collide! It is incredible! It has made me think and even question a lot of things - why I believe what I believe and to find a scriptural basis for my beliefs! That is only a good thing!

Other day on Facebook I posted a question about whether door to door evangelism was still effective and boy, did i get some responses!! It even got a bit heated. Go to my FB page and scroll down just a bit to find the thread - there was some 36 or so responses! It was fun! Respond if you want to as well.

But this weekend was awesome! We had a terribly rainy mess on Thursday and all day Friday, but still fun. Saturday the Lord cleared up all for our fall festival called Corn Day. I posted some pics of that on my FB too. (If you are not on FB, you need to be. ha) God, could not have pulled together a more beautiful day for a parade, carnival rides, car shows, good eatin', etc! We had a blast!

Sunday i met Patricia and Todd at their house at 5am to go to Evansville to run the half marathon. We finished, we didn't walk, and we had fun until mile 9 or so! Then I wanted to die. There was all kinds of encouragers along the side of the road cheering us on and yelling for their loved ones. Patricia and I didn't have any loved ones on the side of the road, but we did accept any encouragement even if it wasn't meant for us. BUT, by the time I got to mile 9 i was not wanting anyone saying anything to me. Yes, it hurts!! And to hear people yelling, "You got the hard part over, keep going!!" That was hogwash. At that moment i was wanting to scream back - get your lazy butt out here and tell me I got the hard part over. I think it was all hard past the sound of the gun! But please know that I am all better with my attitude!! Once I sat down at Olive Garden - things got all better and I could find kindness once again!

Yesterday, Monday, we had a wonderful day with my tennis team in Mt Carmel, Il. We lost our first match, but WON our second! We have another match today if it doesn't rain! Then on to Sectionals Friday and Saturday. I have every reason to believe that Katelyn will be taking us to State again this year! She has only been beat by one person in our Sectional - so if all goes well, we will be Chicago bound next Wednesday!! I am really excited about that! She deserves it!

My son's baseball - Middle school - team won 3rd in State. Clay and I both won 3rd in State as well in our sports so that is kind of cool - he has just started a ton earlier than us! ha! They had a parade last night for them coming into to town - police cars, fire engines, caravans, etc. Then we all piled into the gym and had a pep session!! Yes, i cried - love that kind of stuff! Then we all went out to eat at Tequillas with the whole girls and boys team and parents - love love love that stuff too!! Girls team won State!!!!!!!!! It was awesome!

Lord, you know how I am still so struggling with whether to go back to school and all. I just do not know how to get all things done! I can't keep a clean house, laundry is erupting, kids claim to never see me................ Elleigh even said the other day that I never talk to her!! Broke my heart because if does seem quite true right now. I know tennis will soon be over and my perspective and hopefully hers will be different too!!

I am struggling with my quiet time as well. I am doing that Bible study, but when you have had such an intimate time with the Father in the past, just a study doesn't do it! I long to lay before Him and hear His soft words to me!! I long to know His love the way I have before. Now I know the Lord has not changed, i just have been so busy the last 6 to 8 weeks, I have not made the time to settle down for Him to really speak the sweetness He usually does. Well, let me even go a step further - I would say He probably has been speaking, but I have not been listening or slowed down to hear!!! It is all me - and I know it! And I hate it!

Lord, you laid before me some scripture that really hit home - it actually hurt! Ezra 9:6. It really is how I feel right now. I am living in a land of guilt right now and I know it is not of You. I feel guilty about not being with kids, I feel guilty for not spending more time with you, i feel guilty for being caught up in materialism. I feel guilty for trying to fit in way too often. I feel guilty for my heart not being more turned to you. i feel guilty for not worshipping you more. I feel guilty for not seeing hubby more! AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWEEEEEEE - do you see what Satan does!! Even though I do think my heart has gotten a bit comfortable and relaxed and LAZY, satan always comes in and has a heyday making the bad......worse!!!

God, you have called me to so much higher! U have called me to righteousness! You have called me to grace and mercy and for some reason I have not taken hold of any of that which you offer! Oh Lord, forgive my wretched soul. I need you so desperately! I need your guidance, I need your direction, i need your wisdom, i need your joy, i need more of YOU!!!!!!!
I don't want pretty songs, powerful sermons, i don't want new gifts, or new friends or anything - I want YOU!!!!! Oh God - please allow me to hear from you today in a different way. I know you are working - i could never deny that. I know the heat has been turned up recently and I feel like i have failed! Father- you are merciful and you are GRACE!! I praise you for that!


Alyce said...

Thank you for being so transparent. I know that guilt comes from Satan, but do you think that part of that (the way we feel when we are devoting so much time/energy to those things and ppl that aren't our family, etc) is God reminding us of our priorities?
Just wanted your opinion.

Speaking Thru Me Ministries said...

Alyce - I do believe too that guilt is from Satan - he loves shame! But the Lord leads us to righteousness and that only comes from a Godly conviction of the Spirit. So yes and no to your question.. ha!!

Hope you are doing well - good to hear from you!