I don't really know where to go with my words, but there is a part of me that needed to get this out. Getting it out is how I cope, it is how I adjust, and it is my own personal process of thinking through a situation. Because I really believe that keeping it in and not at least expressing my fear, even if it is sin, is Satan's plan to destroy my joy, peace, and faith.
I love the Lord, I really do. This is not a fake thing for me, this is not just a good idea, this is not just something that I saw in my parents and so I am gonna live this way too. It is my life. I think about the Lord ALL. THE. TIME. I don't say anything of that to be boastful, but to just explain who HE has made me to be. I love the Lord.
I have many, many benefits of serving the Lord. I have grown to love Him from a very young age. I have seen countless friends and strangers take a different road and there are so many consequences to pay, but the worst may be the miserable life they live until on the straight and narrow. This is what I fear the most for my kids!!
I so desire for my kids to get it right the first time. I don't want them to go down the path of testing to any degree if at all possible. But I must be realistic. Not realistic that the testing must occur - it doesn't have to, I am living proof - but I will be realistic about their relationship with the Lord. It must be their own. Please do not hear that I think I was perfect - far from it. I may have been the worst because all my sin was private and the Lord had to break me to solidify our relationship. It was equally painful!
And this is where I am stuck and get a bit overwhelmed. How do I get out of the way so that their walk with the Lord is their own and not something they are copying from me, faking for my benefit, or just riding on mine and Clay's coattails? It happens often and I personally think more times than not!
Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.
The only part that I am a little disappointed in with that verse - I am not sure I am allowed to say I am disappointed in a verse, obviously I don't quite have the faith - "when he is old he will not depart from it". OH NO - does this mean that my kids have to be old before they come back to what they have been taught? LORD, I want them to get it now!!! I want them to digest it now!!
Do I think that my kids are going to be missionaries, preachers, speakers - all things of Him or for Him? NO!!!!! Ministry is really hard, possibly hardest on the family! I am fully aware that my kids may be the wildest in the town. I am fully aware they are not prefect. I am fully aware that they are making big mistakes even now at their young ages. I am fully aware that while my walk is such theirs may be the direct opposite at this time and days to come.
But this all goes back to...........their relationship with the Lord must be their own!
Oh Lord, keep me on my knees for them! Keep me pressing into the Word so that I can reflect you in a loving way and not harsh. Lord, Jesus, make yourself real to them so that they know You for who You really are in their lives. Oh God, protect them from the evil one. Make them kids that stand up for things that are right and of you! God, give them a heart that longs to know You. May you give me the answers to their questions! May Your love abound in our home!! Oh Jesus BE REAL to them!!