Friday, January 04, 2008

508 - Mature, I don't think so!

Heavenly Father - this morning it is early. My tummy has been upset and I just couldn't sleep anymore. I think i am a bit stressed. I usually exhibit stress physiologically - stomach ache, fever blisters, etc. SO I have some knots in my stomach! Maybe I am not suppose to have a job...........I found out yesterday when I went into the high school to get my roster that my schedule had changed. Carmi uses a different kind of system - they have A and B classes and they only meet every other day depending on what the class is - or something like that. So one week I would have taught M, W, F and then the next week it would have only been T and Thur. Well it got confused. My boss was told it was a B class and for all practical purposes of telling this story, it was actually an A class. SO with my speaking it would be virtually impossible for me to teach as an A class, but I could if it were an B class. Needless to say this is an upset for me and for my boss that is now scrambling!!! I think You have already provided another teacher! Thank you Lord.

There are many days I wonder if I am getting anywhere in my faith. I go through dry days or weeks or months and wonder where my love goes and why my love fluctuates. I even remember having thoughts in college when I was SOOO mature......... Ok, I have read the whole New Testament now what should I do once I finish the Old Testament?? Like I have learned everything there was to learn and just couldn't think of what in the world there was to teach this smart whipper snapper!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What in the world!!! My thoughts are so ridiculous at times! A humblin' - I don't remember exactly, but I bet a humblin' was soon to come after that thought!!

So I find myself at the other end of the spectrum as I get older. And i think this is part of wisdom in my old age. The older I get the less and less I feel like I know about the Lord and have such a deeper desire to know Him! That is not everyday, but many days. But i find myself today wondering if i am getting anywhere - am I learning anything - is there any maturity - can anyone see a difference - could i go back even after being away from Charlotte for 1 year and people know that God has made more of an impact in my life? I am not sure.

I found myself going to Hebrews this morning, the 6th chapter. It actually is the end of the 5th and most of 6th chapter. I was looking at the part where Paul, I think it was Paul, is telling the folks you should be past this by now. You should be eating solid food and you are still hanging out on milk. I feel like the Lord can say that to me often. Leigh, this is a sin we should be way past by now. Leigh, this an emotion we already put to death. Why, Leigh, why are you still dealing with these things. And really that is my question to myself so often!! The sad part about it is the things that Paul says these people should be past seem to be much more mature than my petty sin or feelings that rear their head so often. So I am way behind........

Paul tells them in verse 1 of chapter 6... let's get past laying a foundation for repentance, faith in God (wow, now that is a big one), instruction on baptism, laying on of hands, resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgement. Now according to Paul those are suppose to be the elementary things - I am in trouble. See, from this scripture I have so much maturation to do!!! I know you, Lord Jesus, have done an incredible work in my heart, but there is work to do done! And if i am just in elementary school as it looks now, boy oh boy do we need to get busy. I am usually only a master of something once I have experienced it - oh goodenss, what kind of expediences are we in store for?

Lord, it just seems so often that my eyes are so set on me. Even if i am talking, thinking, dreaming, or planning out ministry - it still is about what I can do - always have a sight problem. Oh Lord, I so want to get past this! I want to be always thinking about you! I want to be thinking about what I can learn from you. I want to be more mature!! I want to learn and learn and learn more!! I know i could never know it all and apparently I have so far to go!!! Oh Lord, once again it is ringing in my ears - GRACE!!! Thank you Jesus. If you have allowed me to minister and do as much as this and and I still have so much more maturing to do - Oh Lord that is grace!! Thank you thank you!!


14 comments:

Nicki said...

Leigh,

I could defintely relate to this...in fact today the Lord revealed to me about something that seems in my eyes something I should've gotten right a long time ago...and again I feel when am I gonna get this right?

I think if we get to a point where we feel we are "mature" we are going to have a hard time relating to those around us. I think that's why God continually humbles us....so we can keep it real!

I'm sorry about your job. I know that must have been a disapointment. But you ARE getting somewhere, you ARE making a difference and you ARE changing lives....one step at a time.

Shonda said...

Leigh,

I'm sorry to hear about the job. I know that must be a disappointment. I agree with Nicki that you are making a difference.

I think we're all a work in progress. I certainly am. I used to hear someone say, "The more I know the more I don't know." I didn't understand it when I was younger, but now I do. The more I study the Word, the more I realize I don't know. That's makes me want to know HIM more.

Let's keep that yearning to seek HIM always before us!

Blessings in Christ--

Dori said...

Leigh,

I had the same exact thoughts the other day -- THE SAME EXACT THOUGHTS. And to tell you the truth, there is a stirring among so many people that I know of feeling as though it is more than time to go further, deeper, etc., but something is left unfinished before that can happen.

My dear Leigh, maybe God isn't ready for you to go to middle and high school yet. (I'm not talking about your job! :) ) Maybe there is one more thing to be learned -- or two or three -- in elementary school. But wouldn't you rather learn those things than move on without them?

I know you would and I would, too! Maybe that's a prayer to be written and prayed everyday of 2008 -- "Lord, what is it that I have yet to learn? Help me to step away from the "lesson review" and move onto the new thing you have going. And then let us keep on moving, Lord! I want the diploma, Lord -- I want it all!"

Love you,
Dori

Irritable Mother said...

Amen to this post, Leigh. I am so thankful for His patience with me.
Hey, I started working on the app!

Leah said...

Leigh,

I am right there with you on this one!! Sometimes it seems like the Lord just has to work on my over and over and over and I still don't get it. Check out my post on The Point blog from 1/5/08 and you will see that I, too, still struggle with things that I should be wayyyyy past.

Grace is such a beautiful thing!!

Leah
www.thepoint-leah.blogspot.com

Lindsee said...

I know I AM in college, but I so feel you on this.

You are making a difference, or better yet, he is making a difference through you. Especially on this blog...it is so unique! Know that.

I too, want to learn, learn, learn and love Jesus better every day. But oh, what a stuggle it is!!!

Thank you for your constant encouragement and honesty to us, Leigh!

Lindsee

Lindsee said...

I know I AM in college, but I so feel you on this.

You are making a difference, or better yet, he is making a difference through you. Especially on this blog...it is so unique! Know that.

I too, want to learn, learn, learn and love Jesus better every day. But oh, what a stuggle it is!!!

Thank you for your constant encouragement and honesty to us, Leigh!

Lindsee

Kelli said...

Leigh,

The Lord led me here on this day so He could speak to me through your blog. I am struggling with wondering if I still need to be at the job I am in or not. I seem to be losing my burden for that ministry which is causing tremendous guilt because I prayed for this job. I so want to be content with wherever He has me. I just don't know if He is removing my burden or if it is just me. Anyway, I needed to hear what you had to say today. So, you made a difference in my life.
Hang in there, sister.

Kelli

Stephanie (Ocean Mommy) said...

Leigh,

I'm sorry about the job! I'll gladly pray that God would show exactly what you are to do!

Once again you have challenged me with this post. God continues to remind me that I'm a work in progress and will be until I reach glory.

Love you sister!

steph.

Angie said...

Leigh...This was a great post. I have never been here...will be coming back! I welcome you wholeheartedly to the LWG Team! I am going to plunder around a bit more...you have a great blog!
Be blessed---can't wait to read you on LWG!!

Leigh Gray said...

Oh Nicki - I so agree - when i think I have arrived I am in for some big trouble!!! or on second thought it will be a glorious day when i think I have arrived because I will have arrived and be looking at Him face to face!! yahooojah!!!

Leigh Gray said...

Dori - what profound wisdom you are full of!! thank you for sharing and your honesty. I appreciate that more and more these days!!!

I am ready to go deeper and He has done a huge work in my life this weekend that will allow for that! A reconciliation of sorts!! it is beautiful!! Maybe just maybe I can go to second grade!! ha ha!!

i lvoe you!!

Leigh Gray said...

Sweet and tall Lindsee, you are so kind. I wish I could meet with you every week. Not that I have anything for you, but I so miss the passion that is so real and evident in the college kids!!! Keep pressing forward!!! It is so worth it!! Do not settle!!! His best only!!

Love, Leigh

Leigh Gray said...

Hey Kelli - thanks for stopping by!! I am going to stop right now and pray for you!! I know He will be clear, just be patient and listen intently!! He is spekaing!!

love, Leigh